So I found out last Thursday/Friday that I’ll actually be on vacation most of this week (that same day I also found out I had Monday off, which was awesome because we’ve never been closed any other holiday weekend).
Thursday morning we will be leaving for the Eastern Shore. I only have to work a day and a half this week (half day tomorrow due to a therapy appointment I couldn’t get scheduled any later in the day) which is great because the last pay period I turned in over 100hrs (my paycheck on Friday is gonna rooooock).

I’m trying to think of what to bring to read on my vacation (my favourite reading spot is the hammock they have down there strung up by the dock). Last time I went down there for a week I read 2 of the Song of Ice and Fire books (yeah, I’m a voracious reader)
This time I’m thinking of brining:
Walking Dead Compendium 2 (I’ll probably finish this the first day)
The Cosmos- Carl Sagan (I really want all of his books, this is the only one I have so far)
Ordinary Men: Reserve Police Battalion 101 and the Final Solution in Poland- Christopher R. Browning (started, haven’t finished)
Berlin Diary- William Schirer (I’ve been engrossed by WWII novels and accounts since I was 10. Stephen Ambrose is still my favourite writer on the subject but I’ve read all of his stuff now).

Does anyone else have any reading suggestions? I haven’t read anything new in a loooong time, the books above are ones I’ve either started and haven’t finished or are some of the very few books I own that I haven’t read yet. I’d love to have something entirely new altogether to bring and get into while I’m down there.

It irks me when people say have a Happy Memorial Day weekend. It’s not that you shouldn’t be happy, but most of all you should have a Thankful Memorial Day weekend. You should be grateful for the men and women that gave their lives so you could grill out and take Monday off. Those families of those men and women won’t be sharing a cold one with their lost soldier. They won’t be spending their 3 day weekend with the one they want to the most.
Remember, all that BBQ, all that beer, all that fun in the sun came at a cost, and not the cost you paid at the register. The cost of a human life.

Have a thankful and grateful holiday.

I’m still getting more photos, and will be posting them as I get them on my tumblr over the next few days or so (he said last night he still had about 700 to go through!)

But something occured to me last night; I have never seen what I look like when I’m happy.

This photo for example. When I saw that, I was blown away! I had no idea I could ever look that happy. There is no photo that exists of me anywhere else where I look as happy as I do in that picture. None. Growing up, we didn’t have a camera so I don’t have many pictures from my childhood. I’m not big on taking photos of myself, or even doing self-shots of me and Reid together (partly why there are only about 10 pictures of us together for all the years we’ve been together). Any time I have had to have my photo taken I did so begrudgingly. I don’t like how I look. There is barely anything about myself physically that I like (apart from my boobs… because they’re boobs). I even hate the way my voice sounds. And so that shows in almost every other photo that exists of me. Even if no one else can pick up on it, I can tell from those photos how uncomfortable and unhappy I am in my own skin.

But this time it was different. For once, I don’t hate seeing my own face.

And it’s comforting and so encouraging as I’m raging in a dark cloud of medicated depression to catch a glimpse of the person I could be.

I could be happy.

I will be happy.

Photo by PalinOptika

I feel as if I’m about to enter a terrifying new season in my life, but not quite yet. Today I was talking with Reid’s mom about him going back to school this fall. I casually hinted at the fact that Reid and I have been throwing around the idea of the both of us going back to school together (but made no mention of the “M” word). “What we need to do is find you a full-time job with benefits some where.”
My stomach sort of dropped and I tried to hide the disappointment and fear from my face.

I love my job. I love the people I work with. It doesn’t matter to me that I’m the youngest one here by a good 10 years or so, I mesh well with everyone, I get along with everyone. I have been here for a year now, when I was only supposed to be here for 3 months. At this point I know there is no way they can offer me a salaried position. I’m lucky they’ve been able to keep me here as hourly (even though I have averaged well over 40hrs a week for the past year). I don’t want to leave this job, but I’m going to have to if I’m going to support myself and Reid while he goes back to school. I don’t think our parents would support us going to school together, even though that would be like a dream come true. I want to go back to college and be a student again more than I want a wedding or my MRS degree (want to know something funny? My initials will be MRS when we get married).

I was comfortable with the idea of picking up a job for nights/weekends. I know it’s probably going to kill me. I’m about to go mad right now just from sheer exhaustion that this week has given me. I’m both relieved and incredibly depressed at my narcolepsy diagnosis. I’m relieved that I’m not crazy for hearing things that aren’t there when I lie down and I’m not just being lazy when I have no energy to do anything but sit and sleep. It’s depressing that that stuff is never going to go away and at this point medication is just not an option I am willing to take (the risks far outweigh the benefits IMO. The medication they want to put me on is a GHB. I don’t feel comfortable taking that AT ALL).

Strangely, and mostly thanks to the new anti-depressant, I’m not able to “worry” about this like I would normally be. I would be hysterical after having that short talk with Reid’s mom, I would be locked away in my tiny closet office probably crying my eyes out sick with worry. I’m worried, but I’m worried on a more normal level.
I’m concerned I will not be able to measure up to the tasks set before me of supporting myself and my partner as he prepares to go back to school full time and work less than he is now.
I’m concerned that I will not be able to adjust to a new work environment. The level of paranoia I experience when starting a new job is worse than any ancient alien/conspiracy theory/truther in the world. I hate new things because they are unknown. Because I don’t know if I will be absolutely ready for anything. I won’t know what to prepare for.

This biggest thing I feel is just exhaustion. I’m tired. I just want to crawl in bed and never get out of it. How am I going to function being this tired all the time? How am I going to do this? I’ll find a way. I always seem to. I just wonder how much more sanity I’m going to lose before it’s all said and done. When will it be my turn to rest?

Me: “You know, don’t even worry about the money you owe me from April. I don’t really need it, I have more than enough for bills and rent with extra left over so that money would just go into savings to be used again exactly how it was used now.”

Reid: “But I feel really bad about it. I’ve been trying so hard to come up with the money, if I plan it right I could have it back in 2-3 shifts but it’s been really hit or miss lately and I’ve been missing a lot. I’m really sorry.”

Me: “How about this; instead of you paying me back the $200 in cash, how about you use that money to buy me little ‘I love you’ presents like I buy you. Going out to eat doesn’t count, I would like something tangible that I can keep.”

Reid: “Yeah, I guess a lot of the presents I give you do end up as shit.”

It’s upsetting to me that people are so close-minded that it hurts others.
It’s upsetting to me that people believe that legally changing a document through all the proper channels to better reflect who you are as a person is equated to “lying”.

Lying is unethical.
Legally following procedures is ethical. It is not lying.
It’s that simple.

And what does it matter to other people anyways if a document is ammended? How does changing an M to an F on a form impact anyone else’s lives in a negative way except to inconvenience them by making them change their addressing pronouns?

Why all the hate? Why all the accusing?

I really don’t get it. I really don’t. You don’t have to agree with it, but you also don’t have to go around saying that people don’t care about the “truth” when giving their opinion that it truly does not matter if a legal document is changed as long as they followed all the procedures and laws laid out in order to do so. What is “truth” anyways? Is EVERYTHING about life easily reduced to the simple “true or false”? I don’t believe everything can be boiled down to those absolutes at all.

It just makes me sad.
I know I will never be accepted for who I am. I conform and pretend because it’s easier than being alone and ridiculed.
It’s just so depressing.

So, I’ve been wanting to do another vlog for a while but haven’t really thought of anything to vlog about, so I figured I would just copy mtngirlsouth and nightcometh and do a Q&A blog.

ASK ME ANYTHING!

(disclaimer: While I am open to receiving any questions, just know I reserve the right NOT to answer it if I find the question to be too personal or offensive, k? This disclaimer is in effect allll the time, not just this once and I know I’ve given that spiel more than once to some on here.)

Special bonus in the video will include me humiliating myself by revealing one very common word that I have never been able to pronounce right ever. It’s IMPOSSIBLE for me to say it right, as will be revealed later so the sooner you get your questions in the sooner you can laugh at me!

You have until 5pm Eastern Standard Time to submit your questions! I am hoping to start my response video tonight!

Whew! What a weekend!!
Friday the office admin was out (and will be out until after Memorial Day) so I had to come into work early and stay late to cover for her. It didn’t pan out well, but that was just because I woke up way earlier than my normal routine and worked for about 10 hours and forgot to eat and ended up getting a major migraine. We had planned to go see the new Star Trek movie Friday night but with the way my head was pounding and the fact that brother-in-law was hunting we decided to stay in and rest up.

Saturday morning I got up early and started preparing for my photoshoot. I picked out a few frills but not a lot, showered and got ready to go. Reid came with me, we even got a few pictures together. The studio was about a half hour away tucked away in the country side. We almost missed it but the photographer flagged us down with his big reflectors. His house was small but cute and the studio was in a lil shed he had built himself. He had a nice light wall and different backdrops. I’ve never been in any sort of studio before, hell, I’ve barely ever had photos of myself taken my entire life (my family didn’t own any cameras and I’m generally against being photographed at all. It’s still amazing to me that I agreed to do a shoot at all, even if it was just for fun). He had a little swing that was suspended from the ceiling and we took a few photos on that to get the light and stuff right, then we moved on to different poses and lighting. My favourite part was when he turned on his projector and projected different patterns that would fall on me. Reid’s favourite was when he projected the The Great Wave Off Kanagawa and I was laying on my side with the back to the camera so the pattern was reflected off my body and made it look like I had a full body tattoo. We only shot for about an hour and a half but oh my goodness I was so tired afterwards! We ended up taking 1,001 photos on just ONE of his cameras. He even used his infrared camera and an old film camera. I’m so so so excited to get the photos back. I know he is leaving on business this week so it might be a while before I get to see anything but the wait will hopefully be worth it. Reid said he had a boner basically the entire time
Afterwards we came home and I passed out for the rest of the day. Reid tried to wake me up at one point to go and get dinner but I couldn’t even keep my eyes open for more than a second. I don’t remember the last time I was that exhausted and napped that hard.

Sunday was less fun than Saturday. We woke up early again and drove to UVA for my best friend’s graduation. We didn’t go to the full ceremony since she only had 3 tickets but we were able to sit in on the part where she got her diploma. That ceremony was very short, from the first speech to the last diploma handed out it only took 45 minutes. Unfortunately, because of the fact that A) I was in a place I was unfamiliar with, B) It was incredibly crowded I ended up having a massive panic attack and in the end needed to leave and go home before we could go to her graduation dinner. It was still fantastic to see her though and to be there to celebrate her graduation even if it was cut short by anxiety. Reid even had a moment when he got panicky (but when he gets nervous he just becomes a dick, I have never wanted to deck anyone worse than I wanted to deck him when he got dickish with me for a minute). Reid’s brother came along with us too even though he didn’t have tickets for the graduation, he used to spend a great deal of time there so he wandered about while we did out thing and then caught up with us after the ceremony and stayed for the small reception they had before we left and went back to his car to go home.

After we got home we broke in some new pipes we got at the Cavalier Pipe and Tobacco store. They have a special blend of pipe tobacco called the “Sherlock Holmes #2″ which apparently is the single highest selling blend in the world, and they only make it in that little shop. It’s soaked in coconut and has delicious flavor and smell. My favourite though was the Tennessee Sipping Whiskey blend. Very smooth and tasty. My house smells delightful right now. We watched Venture Bros and smoked for the rest of the evening before G wandered on home and we went to bed. Reid’s dad called him around 9 o’clock to tell him that his dog had passed away. She was very, very old, a week and 2 days away from 19 I believe. Reid got her on his birthday. He took the news well, we were basically all just waiting for it to happen anyways. Scully snuggled up right after he got off the phone, I guess she sensed he was sad so we cuddled with her for a bit and talked about the good times we had with Missy.

All in all it was an incredibly busy weekend with not a lot of down time. Reid is working every night this week so I won’t get to see him at all again. He says he’s going to come and have lunch with me some this week though since he doesn’t have any lunch shifts and he goes in to work just as I am clocking out to come home. I’ll miss him but after this week I’m kinda looking forward to having a lot of time to myself. I didn’t get to rest much and the anti-depressants are still giving me a little bit of grief. Yesterday was Day 7 of taking them. I am definitely noticing a difference now. I asked Reid if he noticed any differences since I’ve been on the meds and he said he had noticed and that he was pleased with the difference. I guess it’s worth all the side effects and the discomfort if he is noticing and experiencing less stress caused by me and my out of control depression. I still waffle back and forth how I feel about them but I’ve decided I’m going to give them a full month and just go from there.

So yeah, that was my weekend. Hope everyone else had a pleasant one! And I’m hoping to do the video for the Q&A blog tonight! So keep your eyes peeled for that!

Isn’t she the cutest?