Month: April 2013

  • *crawls out of hole and slumps back into chair*

    Ugh, what a week. Double “ugh” for having a post written out and accidentally hitting the back button and losing it all. Makes me wish Xanga was like WordPress which saves your draft every few minutes.

    ANYWAYS. I’m here. I’m still pretty miserable but the numbness that left me in a foggy daze is starting to wear off. Starting to “feel” again, even if it’s mostly (justafiable) rage, anger, and bitter disappointment.

    I hate how I’m literally and figuratively been the whipping boy for my partner’s miserable failings at being a responsible adult. 3 back to back MAJOR areas that he completely, and utterly failed in that ended up costing ME not only almost $1k but also my vacation this weekend. You know, the “get away” that I’ve been yammering on about for the past month. Yeah. That one.
    Honestly, this was one of the first times since the beginning of our relationship that I actually considered breaking up with him. I was that angry. No one would have blamed me, even though his parents agreed with me that he was treating me like *I’m* his mom, they wouldn’t take him back. GEE I WONDER WHY?

    So instead of this week/weekend being one of the most monumental and joyous occasions for me and my partner, it has been a series of steps backwards. A series of alternating who sleeps on the couch, of me barricading the living room with punji sticks. A contest of “Who Wants to be the Biggest Douche?” (Spoiler alert: He won. My apologies to anyone who had money riding on me; I gave it my best shot). From Monday until just last night I haven’t been able to keep any food down. 1 can of Dr. Pepper and 7 M&M’s have been all I’ve lived off of this week. Hopefully, tonight I’ll have my first decent meal of the week. My body just does not respond well to conflict. My mind doesn’t respond well for being taken for granted, for being grossly under-appreciated, and also for basically being blamed and punished for things that were absolutely not my fault. It was not my fault at all that my partner decided to ignore everybody who was trying to remind him that he lives in a time-based reality, a reality where things HAVE to be done by a certain time or suffer the consequences. For some reason, this week I feel like I’m the only one who’s suffered the consequences. I dislike being the whipping boy.

    I also realized this week that I need something more substantial to work towards. I’m an extremely goal-oriented person, and so when things like this happen (I set a goal, ie. vacation, and bust my @$$ for it only to have it taken away right when I was at the finish) I just kinda lose it. I begin to question why I do anything that I do at all if this is all I get. I question my very existence. I *need* something to work towards. I feel like if I don’t, then what’s the point to life anyways? Healthy mindset? No. Definitely something I need and want to work on.

    In a way, I’m almost glad things went the way they did now that I’m able to think clearer and more rationally, and also since it seems that he has FINALLY woken up and has seen the damage that his irresponsibility causes, the stress it puts our relationship under, and how frakin easy it is to fix. It’s not really that big a deal to learn how to be on time, and learn how to do multiple steps yourself instead of relying on your saint of a girlfriend to do all your legwork for you if there are more steps than just Step 1. I’m done bending over backwards for this kid at the moment. I told him I wasn’t going to just chuck him in the deep end alone but he’s going to be doing his own swimming. I’ll be watching close by in the boat if he needs help but for now, he’s on his own when it comes to his affairs. If he wants me to not kill him when he goes back to school, he needs to learn to get things done without me standing on top of him or worse, doing it for him. I just don’t have time for that anymore. I tried to show him this was a problem for a few years, but he’s ignored it. Not getting to go on vacation anymore was a wake up call for him. Even though as it stands right now we could go on vacation like nothing happened and we would actually still be able to pay the bills and eat, I don’t even want to go anymore. At least not this week. I need time. I need time to get excited about this again instead of just wanting to die thinking about it.

    For now, I just need rest. Rest and maybe a long drive tomorrow afternoon to clear my head. I’ve decided to go ahead and take the time I’ve requested off, even though I could work, because I deserve a break. I deserve my 3 day weekend, even if it is nothing like I had planned it to be for the past month.

  • Let’s play a game of Guess Who.

    Guess who didn’t do his taxes on time?

    Guess who did them to avoid penalties AND got to pay the $400 he owed for state?

    Guess who got pulled over this morning for having expired tags?

    Guess who gets to pay for his car from the impound AND take him to work AND renew his tags?

    Guess who isn’t going on vacation anymore…

    :’(

  • Me: “I can totally see why everyone and their mom just wants to jump your bones all the time. I can’t really blame them either. Just as long as they go through me first… Okay?”

    Reid: “You are the gatekeeper, or keymaster; in charge of the rapiness. You get the final check or no on who gets to do the raping… which is a Ghostbusters reference…”

    Me: “Duh, I know the reference. The bigger question is who is the ‘settler’ and who is the ‘reacher’”?

    Reid: “If we are continuing on answering that question in the theme of the last reference, then I would be Sigourney Weaver. Which would make you Rick Morranis. In this particular scenario, that is. I’m just sayin…”

  • “And when you walk inside, I feel the door
    I’ll never let it push your arms no more
    And when your legs give out, just lie right down
    And I will kiss you til your breath is found.”

  • Get Well Soon

    FIC0YFNGMG2IIW4.LARGE

    @Ghillies_guide

    Get well soon so you can eat me again.
    Love,
    Bacon Flowers

  • Yesterday, our bathtub decided it didn’t want to stop spewing boiling hot water. I had to leave work around noon to come home and wait for the maintenance guys (the apartment wouldn’t even give me a rough estimate… and we still haven’t put all the papers in to have Scully so we didn’t want people in there without us there and her make a fuss and us get kicked out. We are going to put her papers in when we renew our lease next month just to make things easier, and to save up for security pet deposit).
    It was honestly nice to get out of the office for a bit. This past weekend was a bit of a mess and it was nice to have an extra day of downtime to process through all that.
    After maintenance came I went back to work to mow the office lawn. I was glad I could at least make up for some of the hours since the pay I get for mowing is different than what I get working normal office hours. Technically, I get paid 3.5x more an hour to mow than I do to sit here and surf the web and spot check discs.

    I had plans with a friend of Reid’s (“C” for those of you who read my protected posts). I swear she’s the most awesome person I’ve ever met and that makes me SUPER insecure (for reasons those on my protected list would know). She helped me dye my hair since we had talked about hair dye and stuff a few weeks prior and seemed very knowledgable about it. It was a lot of fun to just hang out and get to know each other better since we are umm… well we have a common interest let’s just put it that way. I have a feeling we could become really, really great friends, I just need to relax.

    Reid came home briefly yesterday on break and started making a list of things he needed to do on his day off (which is today). Up at the top was “taxes”. I had to break it to him that taxes were due yesterday, so he couldn’t put it off another day. He sat down to start to do them and became completely overwhelmed. He was so stressed he didn’t understand any of the questions. Finally, after doing everything else I could possibly do to help I asked him to just pull up his W-2 and let me finish doing his taxes.

    This makes the 3rd year in a row that I’ve done his taxes on Tax Day. This time he owes me the $400 I had to pay for his state taxes… I really should just remember to do his when I do mine.

    I haven’t been doing so well the past week or so. Depression is kicking my ass and I’m having a really hard time focusing on anything positive for any amount of time. It sucks worse being able to see the steep decline.
    But I’ll claw my way back up. I always do.
    Well, at least I try to anyways.

  • All Our Bruised Bodies and the Whole Heart Shrinks

    So now tell me how your story goes. Have you ever suffered? 

    If so, did you get better or have you never quite recovered from it? 

    Did you find your lover laying in your bedroom with another and then
    
Did you let it hover over you and everything else well after the fact?
    Show me all your bruises. I know everybody wears them. 

    They broadcast the pain–how you hurt, how you reacted.
    
Did cancer take your child?
    Did your father have a heart attack? 

    Have you had a moment forced the whole heart to grow or retract?
    

Or just shrink. 
Does the heart shrink?
    Tell me everything. Tell me everything you know.
    Were you told as a child how cruel the whole world can be?
    
Did anybody ever tell you that? 

    Tell me what your purpose is?
    Who it was that put you here and why? 

    Did anybody really put you here at all?
    
And what of those necessities? Like how to cope with tragedy and pain?
    
Did anybody ever show you how? 

    When it hits will my heart burst or break or grow strong? 

    Is there really only one way to know now?
    

I’m not sure if I’m ready yet to find out the hard way

    How strong I am. What I’m made of.
    
I’m not sure if I’m ready yet to walk through the fire.
    
I’m not sure I can handle it.
    
Do you think if the heart keeps on shrinking
    
One day there will be no heart at all? 
And how long does it take? 

    Am I better off just bursting or breaking?
    
Because I don’t see my heart getting strong.
    Tell your stories to me. Show your bruises. 

    Let’s see what humanity is capable of handling.
    She lost her kid, only seven, to cancer. She answered with faith in her god and carried on, 

    While he was attacked by his son and was stabbed in
    His stomach and his back and his arms. 
He showed me scars.
    
82 years old, told me, “I still have my daughter and my wife. And I still
    Have 
My life and my son.”
    Tell me what your worst fears are. I bet they look a lot like mine.
    
Tell me what you think about when you can’t fall asleep at night.
    
Tell me that you’re struggling. Tell me that you’re scared. No,
    
Tell me that you’re terrified of life. 
Tell me that it’s
    Difficult to not think of death sometimes.
    
Tell me how you lost. Tell me how he left. Tell me how she left. 

    Tell me how you lost everything that you had. 
Tell me that it isn’t ever coming back.
    
Tell me about God. Tell me about love. 
Tell me that it’s all of the above. 

    Say you think of everything in fear. 
I bet you’re not the only one does.
    Everyone in the world comes at some point to suffering. 
I wonder
    When I will. I wonder. 
Everyone is out searching for someone or
    Something. 
I wonder what I’ll find. I wonder.

    ~La Dispute

  • I Dyed

  • Survey Says…

    Stolen from @xDark_horizonx

    1. White or red wine?

    I’ll take an Evan Williams neat, prease.

    2. Who was the last person you hugged?

    Person? Reid. Last thing I hugged? Scully dog :)

    3. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

    Considering I was home schooled…. no. I did have a mega crush on my math professor at college though. She was so amazing…

    4. Where did your first kiss take place?

    In my driveway, on Valentine’s Day, just 2 weeks after my 18th birthday. I’m pretty sure I saw fireworks :)

    5. Do you prefer foxes or wolves?

    Wolves.

    6. What is your shoesize?

    7 womens, 5 mens.

    7. Do you prefer fruit or vegetables?

    Both?

    8. Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?

    Yesssssss mmmmmm *droool* wait what?

    9. Would you rather never fall in love again or never orgasm again?

    Never fall in love. Most definitely.

    10.What does your outfit consist of today?

    Dress, cardigan, leggings, boots.

    11.What are your bust-waist-hip measurements?

    29, 26, 30? I think…

    12.Are you a hypocrite?

    Yeah :/ Aren’t we all sometimes tho? At least I admit to it.

    13.Why did you last cry?

    Yesterday afternoon. For no reason.

    14.What are your favourite smells?

    Cinnamon and gunpowder.

    15.What are your favourite textures?

    Fuzzy or smooth metal.

    16.Fur or feathers?

    Fur.

    17.Tartan or tweed?

    Tartan

    18.Leopard print or neon?

    Neither? Can I just have black?

    19.Any beauty tips?

    Don’t look at me.

    20.Happiest moment of your life?

    Whenever I get my period.

    21.If you won a LOT of money/ the lottery and decided to move, where would you move to?

    Some desert island all to myself…

    22.Alcoholic beverage of choice?

    Usually vodka.

    23.What is more attractive: Nice hands or nice feet?

    Nice hands. I don’t like looking at feet, even if they are pretty.

    24.What’s the youngest you would consider dating?

    21.

    25.If you were around in the sixties would you be a mod or a rocker?

    Rocker all the way.

    26.Are thongs sexy?

    They can be.

    27.Did you grow up in a healthy environment?

    Not even in the slightest.

    28.What do you think of when I say “the twenties”?

    Flappers and big band music.

    29.Could you ever deliver a baby?

    Deliver someone else’s baby or shove one out of my own vagina? In that case, the former. Never the latter.

    31.What did your last text read?

    Werd.

    32.Can you ride a bicycle?

    Yes.

    33.What sport were you best at in high school?

    Softball.

    34.Who do you miss right now?

    1 vs. 100 on the Xbox… wonderballs… sludge nation on the radio… landlines.

    35.What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?

    Angry Orchard cider.

    36.Paris, London and New York… which one would you live in, which would you visit for a day, which would you visit for a fortnight?

    I would live in London, spend a day in NY (that’s all you need, trust me), and a fortnight somewhere else other than France.

    37.What is your sexuality?

    Heteroflexible.

    38.Heavy rain or heatwave?

    Heavy rain. All the time.

    39.Chicken or fish?

    Depends on if I caught anything that day.

    40.Do you think suits are sexy?

    Oh yes, from birthday suits to business suits all of them are sexy in my book.

  • How has Xanga changed or impacted your life?

       

    I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

    I don’t do the “Question of the Day” often (actually, this might be like the second time I’ve answered it) but today’s question got me thinking. How has Xanga impacted my life?
    I believe being part of the community here has impacted my life greatly. I’ve been on and around this site now for around 9 years, 90% of that time I was mainly just a lurker. Last summer I actually made it a goal to interact more with the people on here. I would blog and read regularly, but very rarely ever comment. Shyness was to blame for that. I didn’t want to be that stranger who comes in and throws opinions around where they don’t belong or aren’t welcome, and sometimes people would write about things in their life or in general that I just didn’t feel like it was appropriate for me to comment. Then I realized this is the Internet and that’s what it’s there for; to interact with different people. To offer different opinions or views on a matter. To let people know they aren’t alone and that there is someone out there who will listen to them. To make people laugh. To make them think.

    After I made it a goal to interact with more people on here, I noticed a positive change in my crippling social anxiety. I would get so panicky that I didn’t visit other people’s blogs just to not leave footprints without comments to not seem like a creeper, but then after I started to visit and comment I noticed that when it came to things offline, I was much more confident in myself. I wasn’t actively worried about coming across weird or socially inept (I was home schooled my entire life, those things are to be expected) when I went out anymore. I attribute that mainly to how welcoming you all on here were towards me when I started to be more active in the community instead of hiding in my corner in the dark recesses of the Internet. If Internet peoples were okay with me, then maybe real life peoples would be okay with me too. After all, they aren’t subjected to my random thought dumps every day unlike Xangans.

    Now, I barely bat an eye when it comes to going out and doing things with other people. It gives me something to write about if anything. I can’t remember the last time I had a panic attack just because I was out in public. I don’t think that would be the case if it hadn’t been for Xanga. Cheesy? Probably, but it’s still true.

    So thank you to all of you who have ever taken the time to encourage me, make me feel welcome and safe in this community. Those who have made me laugh, those who have caused me to pause and think, those who reached out to me when I was down and offered an Internet shoulder to lean against and cry on, and especially those who always have a smile in their pocket to toss my way when I need one (you know who you are. Yes, I’m talking about you). Thank you.

    No really, THANK YOU.