And thanks for all the fish.

I am incredibly hard on myself, and that is putting it lightly.

I’m very hard on myself because growing up people were very hard on me.

I’ve been battling depression since I was about 10 years old. I was told that depression was a sin, it was my fault, and that I could control it. I grew up believing these things, which only added to my depression when I realized no, I can’t control this. It’s taken me almost 14 years to realize that that belief is just plain wacko, and a bunch of crock. I still feel guilty every morning when I take my medicine. “You’re a failure. You brought it on yourself, and now you’re helpless to get out of it.”

When I was 18 I started having severe stomach/digestion problems. I was throwing up after every single meal, but I wasn’t forcing myself to, I just couldn’t help it. I kept going to the doctor for 3 years to figure out what was going on. The entire time I had people telling me it was all in my head, that I was really just bulimic and that I was using it as an excuse to get attention. The only person who believed me that I didn’t actually have body issues, and that it was something I couldn’t control was my primary care physician, and for that I am eternally grateful. After many painful and inconclusive tests, they finally did a stomach emptying scan.
Turned out, my stomach is paralyzed. I was throwing up after every meal because my stomach does not “relax” to allow food in, and then “squeeze” it out. My stomach is stuck in a restricted state, and I can only eat very small portions of food at a time or else it can’t all fit in there and it comes back up. I’m an extremely rare case for gastroparesis, which is why it took so long to get the approval for that scan. Almost everyone else who has gastroparesis is morbidly obese and/or diabetic. At the time of my diagnosis diabetes had been ruled out and I weighed a whopping 88lbs.

Then the sleeping problems. They became really bad the first few years of college. I remember spending my first semester constantly studying because I couldn’t sleep. The only time I could sleep was either in class, in the back of a moving vehicle (I paid more than a few friends to just drive me around town because it was the only way I could sleep). I slept on the floor of my parent’s computer room. I was averaging only 2-3 hours of sleep a night, and not all at one time. Then I started having trouble staying awake at all. I would sleep, and sleep, and sleep. Even after I slept the night through, I would still wake up exhausted and needing a nap not long after waking up.
I was told I was lazy. I was told that I was just trying to get out of housework, school, or errands.
Turns out I’m narcoleptic. It’s something I can’t control, and something that there isn’t a lot of medication out there for it yet. The only prescription they gave me was for a GHB to help me feel more awake during the day. I don’t need a stimulant to make me more hyperaware than I already am. I need something to help me feel rested. I feel that medication would be doing nothing but masking the symptoms, and considering it’s huge side effects (one of them being rendering hormonal birth control ineffective) it just doesn’t seem worth it.

I haven’t been able to accept any of these things as stuff that I am not able to control. I haven’t been able to accept that some of these things, OTHER PEOPLE are going to need to work with me around them (especially the narcolepsy).
Just yesterday Reid and I were talking about the things we needed to get done before we leave for the Shore. He left a list of things we need to do, and a list of the things we need to buy before we left. I came home last night and told him I would do what I could off his lists. When I got home, I was overwhelmingly tired, and absolutely had to lay down for a bit because I could not keep my eyes open for the life of me. When Reid texted me to tell me he was getting off work a few hours earlier than planned, I fully expected him to be angry at me for napping instead of doing anything to prepare for the trip. He was of course not the slightest bit angry or even annoyed. “This is something you can’t control, and that we have to work around, it’s totally fine. Nap whenever you feel like you have to. It’s not like it’s your choice.”

I couldn’t love him more for that. But it did make me realize just how hard I am on myself. I go into everything with the mindset of, “How can *I* take care of myself/my partner all by myself.” I never go into anything thinking that someone else is going to be generous and help me out. If they do, that’s great, and I’ll love them all the more for it and be incredibly grateful, but I never enter into any situation expecting that kind of help. I approach everything as if I have to take care of it alone. Worst case scenario type of deal. Stressful, yes. Unneeded pressure, probably. But this is how I’ve survived for as long as I have.

But maybe it’s time for me to adjust that way of thinking. I think that, at least when it comes to some areas, mainly just the health related ones, I should start expecting people to work with me more. Not all the time, but some of the time.
At the very least, I want people to stop telling me every medical related thing that goes wrong is *my fault* and I should control it. So far, they have not been right a single time, and I have the medical records and enough missing organs to prove that.

So here’s a polite, “Go screw yourself” to all those who told me that all of these ailments were things I just made up to get out of something/ get attention.

So I found out last Thursday/Friday that I’ll actually be on vacation most of this week (that same day I also found out I had Monday off, which was awesome because we’ve never been closed any other holiday weekend).
Thursday morning we will be leaving for the Eastern Shore. I only have to work a day and a half this week (half day tomorrow due to a therapy appointment I couldn’t get scheduled any later in the day) which is great because the last pay period I turned in over 100hrs (my paycheck on Friday is gonna rooooock).

I’m trying to think of what to bring to read on my vacation (my favourite reading spot is the hammock they have down there strung up by the dock). Last time I went down there for a week I read 2 of the Song of Ice and Fire books (yeah, I’m a voracious reader)
This time I’m thinking of brining:
Walking Dead Compendium 2 (I’ll probably finish this the first day)
The Cosmos- Carl Sagan (I really want all of his books, this is the only one I have so far)
Ordinary Men: Reserve Police Battalion 101 and the Final Solution in Poland- Christopher R. Browning (started, haven’t finished)
Berlin Diary- William Schirer (I’ve been engrossed by WWII novels and accounts since I was 10. Stephen Ambrose is still my favourite writer on the subject but I’ve read all of his stuff now).

Does anyone else have any reading suggestions? I haven’t read anything new in a loooong time, the books above are ones I’ve either started and haven’t finished or are some of the very few books I own that I haven’t read yet. I’d love to have something entirely new altogether to bring and get into while I’m down there.

It irks me when people say have a Happy Memorial Day weekend. It’s not that you shouldn’t be happy, but most of all you should have a Thankful Memorial Day weekend. You should be grateful for the men and women that gave their lives so you could grill out and take Monday off. Those families of those men and women won’t be sharing a cold one with their lost soldier. They won’t be spending their 3 day weekend with the one they want to the most.
Remember, all that BBQ, all that beer, all that fun in the sun came at a cost, and not the cost you paid at the register. The cost of a human life.

Have a thankful and grateful holiday.

I’m still getting more photos, and will be posting them as I get them on my tumblr over the next few days or so (he said last night he still had about 700 to go through!)

But something occured to me last night; I have never seen what I look like when I’m happy.

This photo for example. When I saw that, I was blown away! I had no idea I could ever look that happy. There is no photo that exists of me anywhere else where I look as happy as I do in that picture. None. Growing up, we didn’t have a camera so I don’t have many pictures from my childhood. I’m not big on taking photos of myself, or even doing self-shots of me and Reid together (partly why there are only about 10 pictures of us together for all the years we’ve been together). Any time I have had to have my photo taken I did so begrudgingly. I don’t like how I look. There is barely anything about myself physically that I like (apart from my boobs… because they’re boobs). I even hate the way my voice sounds. And so that shows in almost every other photo that exists of me. Even if no one else can pick up on it, I can tell from those photos how uncomfortable and unhappy I am in my own skin.

But this time it was different. For once, I don’t hate seeing my own face.

And it’s comforting and so encouraging as I’m raging in a dark cloud of medicated depression to catch a glimpse of the person I could be.

I could be happy.

I will be happy.

Photo by PalinOptika

I feel as if I’m about to enter a terrifying new season in my life, but not quite yet. Today I was talking with Reid’s mom about him going back to school this fall. I casually hinted at the fact that Reid and I have been throwing around the idea of the both of us going back to school together (but made no mention of the “M” word). “What we need to do is find you a full-time job with benefits some where.”
My stomach sort of dropped and I tried to hide the disappointment and fear from my face.

I love my job. I love the people I work with. It doesn’t matter to me that I’m the youngest one here by a good 10 years or so, I mesh well with everyone, I get along with everyone. I have been here for a year now, when I was only supposed to be here for 3 months. At this point I know there is no way they can offer me a salaried position. I’m lucky they’ve been able to keep me here as hourly (even though I have averaged well over 40hrs a week for the past year). I don’t want to leave this job, but I’m going to have to if I’m going to support myself and Reid while he goes back to school. I don’t think our parents would support us going to school together, even though that would be like a dream come true. I want to go back to college and be a student again more than I want a wedding or my MRS degree (want to know something funny? My initials will be MRS when we get married).

I was comfortable with the idea of picking up a job for nights/weekends. I know it’s probably going to kill me. I’m about to go mad right now just from sheer exhaustion that this week has given me. I’m both relieved and incredibly depressed at my narcolepsy diagnosis. I’m relieved that I’m not crazy for hearing things that aren’t there when I lie down and I’m not just being lazy when I have no energy to do anything but sit and sleep. It’s depressing that that stuff is never going to go away and at this point medication is just not an option I am willing to take (the risks far outweigh the benefits IMO. The medication they want to put me on is a GHB. I don’t feel comfortable taking that AT ALL).

Strangely, and mostly thanks to the new anti-depressant, I’m not able to “worry” about this like I would normally be. I would be hysterical after having that short talk with Reid’s mom, I would be locked away in my tiny closet office probably crying my eyes out sick with worry. I’m worried, but I’m worried on a more normal level.
I’m concerned I will not be able to measure up to the tasks set before me of supporting myself and my partner as he prepares to go back to school full time and work less than he is now.
I’m concerned that I will not be able to adjust to a new work environment. The level of paranoia I experience when starting a new job is worse than any ancient alien/conspiracy theory/truther in the world. I hate new things because they are unknown. Because I don’t know if I will be absolutely ready for anything. I won’t know what to prepare for.

This biggest thing I feel is just exhaustion. I’m tired. I just want to crawl in bed and never get out of it. How am I going to function being this tired all the time? How am I going to do this? I’ll find a way. I always seem to. I just wonder how much more sanity I’m going to lose before it’s all said and done. When will it be my turn to rest?

Me: “You know, don’t even worry about the money you owe me from April. I don’t really need it, I have more than enough for bills and rent with extra left over so that money would just go into savings to be used again exactly how it was used now.”

Reid: “But I feel really bad about it. I’ve been trying so hard to come up with the money, if I plan it right I could have it back in 2-3 shifts but it’s been really hit or miss lately and I’ve been missing a lot. I’m really sorry.”

Me: “How about this; instead of you paying me back the $200 in cash, how about you use that money to buy me little ‘I love you’ presents like I buy you. Going out to eat doesn’t count, I would like something tangible that I can keep.”

Reid: “Yeah, I guess a lot of the presents I give you do end up as shit.”

It’s upsetting to me that people are so close-minded that it hurts others.
It’s upsetting to me that people believe that legally changing a document through all the proper channels to better reflect who you are as a person is equated to “lying”.

Lying is unethical.
Legally following procedures is ethical. It is not lying.
It’s that simple.

And what does it matter to other people anyways if a document is ammended? How does changing an M to an F on a form impact anyone else’s lives in a negative way except to inconvenience them by making them change their addressing pronouns?

Why all the hate? Why all the accusing?

I really don’t get it. I really don’t. You don’t have to agree with it, but you also don’t have to go around saying that people don’t care about the “truth” when giving their opinion that it truly does not matter if a legal document is changed as long as they followed all the procedures and laws laid out in order to do so. What is “truth” anyways? Is EVERYTHING about life easily reduced to the simple “true or false”? I don’t believe everything can be boiled down to those absolutes at all.

It just makes me sad.
I know I will never be accepted for who I am. I conform and pretend because it’s easier than being alone and ridiculed.
It’s just so depressing.

So, I’ve been wanting to do another vlog for a while but haven’t really thought of anything to vlog about, so I figured I would just copy mtngirlsouth and nightcometh and do a Q&A blog.

ASK ME ANYTHING!

(disclaimer: While I am open to receiving any questions, just know I reserve the right NOT to answer it if I find the question to be too personal or offensive, k? This disclaimer is in effect allll the time, not just this once and I know I’ve given that spiel more than once to some on here.)

Special bonus in the video will include me humiliating myself by revealing one very common word that I have never been able to pronounce right ever. It’s IMPOSSIBLE for me to say it right, as will be revealed later so the sooner you get your questions in the sooner you can laugh at me!

You have until 5pm Eastern Standard Time to submit your questions! I am hoping to start my response video tonight!