Last night, one of our neighbors, Elisabeth, came over so I could help her bake a cake for her husband’s birthday party that’s tonight (it’s also a party for me since her husband and I have birthdays just a day apart! I thought that was a sweet of them to include me too!). She doesn’t know how to cook or bake so I told her she was welcome to come over and I would gladly help her out.
We went to the store together and I helped her pick out all the ingredients. We stood in line to check out for nearly half an hour because the person in front of us was probably Methusala’s widow and kept wandering off with her walker instead of paying for her groceries. It was quite the adventure.
After we got home I whipped everything together and put it in the oven. We talked and sketched while the cake baked and cooled and afterwards we decorated it. Even Reid got in on the cake making party we were having. It was quite fun.
Here’s how it turned out! I think it looks pretty awesome considering none of us have ever decorated a cake before!

I love the tail! We used a can of icing that came with several different decorating tips (worked like a can of whipped cream except it was really awkward and hard to use. I wouldn’t really recommend it). We used the “leaf” tip to create the look of scales! I really like the little curl of the tail at the end.

Yesterday was bad. Actually, Sunday and Monday were pretty bad, emotionally. The long and short of it is that on Sunday Reid and I went to go pick up a puppy we had applied for and had been approved for but last minute they took him away from us because he was a pit bull type dog and they wanted to clear it with our apartments before letting us take him home, even though they had said we could and we were just finishing up getting all the things for him at Petsmart and were about to sign the paperwork when they stopped and took him from Reid. Then they called yesterday and said we were officially denied because our apartment doesn’t allow dogs over 30lbs or “aggressive” breeds (whatever that means, you’re more likely to get attacked by a yorkie or chihuahua than a regular pit).
I was really tore up over it. I spent the rest of Sunday crying. I spent so much time crying yesterday at work I soaked through the arm of the 2 sweaters I was wearing. It’s a good thing I’m a silent cryer.

The thing I knew there wasn’t any reason to be so upset. It really wasn’t about the dog. I don’t know if it was really about anything I just couldn’t stop crying for 2 days straight. I hated myself for it. I don’t have the right to spend all afternoon crying and being depressed when there’s nothing to cry or be depressed over. For the moment, my life isn’t actively falling apart. So why am I so depressed?

I felt especially sorry for Reid. See, I *know* I have issues. I *know* it’s hard to deal with me (it’s hard for me to deal with me, so I assume then it must be at least twice as hard for anyone else to deal with me when I’m in a bad way). I know I’m insecure. I am completely aware of every negative aspect I bring into a relationship. I’ve admitted it since day one and continue to do so til this day. What baffles me is that he seems perfectly okay with all these things. Sure, there are days when he admits that I am a bit too much for him to handle, what I don’t understand is why he doesn’t feel like this every day (like I do). I can’t ever comprehend loving myself so I’m completely floored when someone else says they love me.

Yesterday, I came home a mess. I mean a complete wreck. I was angry, but I didn’t know why. I was panicky for no reason. I was scared. I tried all afternoon to figure out what the hell my problem was and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I couldn’t even blame it on my father. I know I brought a big black cloud home with me when I walked through the door. Reid was supposed to go to a Christmas party with his co-workers since their managers never planned on during the actual holidays. I had already said earlier in the day I didn’t want to go (every time I’m around him and his co-workers it’s like I don’t exist. They all ignore me, even when they are in MY house). I told him if I wanted to spend a night alone I’d rather be at home than standing awkwardly alone in a bar like the last Christmas party. I took a shower and bawled. I dried off and laid down on the couch and bawled some more. All this time I figured that he would leave any time for the party.

But he didn’t. He stayed out of my way when I first got home, probably for the best. But then when I finally got over being in a Hulk rage and went back to being a cry-baby he came and sat down on the couch with me and held me. He didn’t say anything except that he loved me. He just hugged me. It confused me. He had a perfectly good reason to leave me alone to do my crazy thing and go out and have a good time with his friends. But he didn’t. He didn’t even want to (he said as much). He said he’d rather stay home with me and help me feel better. And I think he really meant it. Eventually, the crazy spiraling out of control cry fest stopped and we had a pretty pleasant evening. He even got me to smile and laugh some (a Herculean feet).

I just don’t understand. That is not what I would have done if I were in his shoes when it came to dealing with me. If I were him, I would have just left me at home after telling myself to suck it up and go to the party. I don’t love myself to voluntarily stay for when I’m like that. I would get as far away as possible and hope it blows over by the time I get home. I tried to get him to go and spare himself the trouble. He said if he felt like going he would go, but he never did. He said that in no way did I impede him going to the party and that he genuinely wanted to stay home with me instead.

I just don’t get it. I’m still waiting for him to realize what he’s gotten himself into and bail like the rest. It’s what I would do if I were him. I don’t know how to love myself (I’m sure that’s been apparent on here for a long time) and I really don’t understand how anyone else could love me. I just can’t comprehend it.

My sister showed this to me last night. It’s way funnier than it should be. Reid was bawling by the third play because he was laughing so hard.

Happy Friday everyone!!!

I’ve been a real downer lately and I’m sorry for that. But you know what, I don’t have to be a downer and I don’t want to be one anymore. It’s so easy to get all wrapped up over something and fail to see the other, awesome, good, and funny things going on around you. I fall into that trap far too easy, especially around this time of year. Although fall/winter are my favourite seasons, I can’t deny that they don’t have some adverse affect on me depression wise. As much as I love weeks of rain on end without a glimpse of the sun, I do notice that the damper that it is outside, the damper my face becomes.
I may be a walking example of Murphy’s Law but at least that’s not all I am (although to some people that’s all they see). My life is a weird deck of cards that is more often than not stacked against my sanity, and getting constantly reshuffled so just when I think I’ve been slick with my card counting, the tables turn, and I go broke. I’m learning to just go with it. Living day to day isn’t so bad when you have a lot of little things to look forward to and work towards.

I think my biggest problem is a feel, stagnant. I’ll be 24 on Saturday, and I feel like I don’t have much to show for it. But that simply is not true. I’ve done a lot. I’ve accomplished a lot. I’ve survived a shit ton. My boyfriend told me this morning he can’t wait for Saturday to celebrate another year that I’ve survived (and I owe a lot of thanks to him for that). Sure, I don’t have a Master’s degree, but I have a job that pays the bills. That’s more than most of my friends who do have degrees have right now. I live in a nice’ish townhouse in the ghetto that I love. It’s located in THE most convenient location in this entire city. I can be anywhere worth going in about 5-10 minutes and that is pretty awesome and great for my gas budget. I’ve got my best friend in the world as my boyfriend/personal chef/slave etc

This is going to be my year of DOING. I’m not going to let the natural disaster that is my life prevent me from doing the things I’ve been wanting to do. I don’t want to let stuff get me so bogged down anymore that all I do is sit around and do nothing out of fear of something else going wrong. I can’t hide forever, and I don’t want to look back at my life and just see all the stuff I *didn’t* do. I want to look back and smile at all the memories of the awesome things I’ve done.

So here’s to another year of being a clueless half-grown up person thing, and here’s to my year of DOING.

Also if anyone wants to get me a cake with this picture on it, you are more than welcome to. It would make my life.

I would travel across the dunes
Just to sit in your room
And you would sigh
As my fingers
Traced the patterns
Of your scars
And I would wonder to myself
Where those scars would take me
If they directed the journey
Like a map
The lines would guide us
Pointing us to destinations
Far off and away from here
But instead they are a lifeline
To your past
And I would sigh
For your scars are not an escape
They are the ties that bind us
To this terrible place

I wanted to write about the amended lawsuit against the cult “church” I grew up in. But I can’t. It’s just all too much. The suppressed memories flooding back. The years I’ve spent trying to forget all those years I spent there. All the brainwashing I’ve been working to undo. I don’t know what to do. If I could figure out how to write it down, I would, but everything is such a jumbled mess I can hardly keep a single train of thought long enough to type it out.

Here’s a link to a redacted version of the amended lawsuit. [LINK]

Here’s the original lawsuit. [LINK]

Carla Coe’s story is almost exactly like my own. I wish I had a way to make my voice known. I wish there was a way I could get the justice I deserve.

I hope this case turns into a criminal one once the class action lawsuit is over.

I hope all those men rot in jail. I wish my father would do the same.

I swear there is never a dull moment in my life.

Today, I went and saw my general practitioner after having intense abdominal pain for about 27 hours. I mean horrific pain. I’ve been having this issue on and off for the past 2 weeks or so, having intense pain after eating certain foods, but the worst was Wednesday night after I ate a piece of pizza. I thought I was likely to die. At first I thought maybe the Lactaid I take before eating dairy didn’t work, so I took another. Didn’t help. I thought maybe it was heartburn so I took some Tums, that didn’t help either. In a last ditch effort I took some Gas-X because that was the only thing left in the house that could’ve helped. Nothing. The pain didn’t subside until about midnight last night, 27 hours after eating the pizza. The pain never moved either like I expected it too if it was something I ate that made it upset but the stabbing pain remained the entire time right under my ribcage on the right side of my abdomen.
I already had a notion going in that it might be my gallbladder. Gallbladder problems run in my family, and I’ve had trouble with it before, but wasn’t “bad enough” to take out back in 2008 when I was also diagnosed with Gastroparesis (basically, my stomach is paralyzed which is weird because that is something that usually only happens to diabetics or obese people. I am neither of those things which baffles everyone).

I’ll admit, I’m nervous and scared. I still remember all those months spent trying to figure out what was wrong with me. People said it was all in my head, that I just wanted attention so I made up being sick. I remember people trying to brush it off as just an eating disorder (for the record, I have never once had any problems with my body image, if anything I wish I weighed more than 105lbs but I can’t gain weight for the life of me…) Even today those accusations still haunt me. They make me doubt myself. I kept trying to tell myself the past few days that the pain was all in my head, that I was just crazy. I even told Reid that I was doubting whether or not I needed to go see a doctor or if I was in actual pain or if it was all in my head. He said I was the only person doubting whether or not I was in actual pain. He said he could see it etched in my face plain as day and that his parents could too. That helped a bit. I was worried his parents were thinking I was just making things up to get out of work (which I wasn’t, I worked all day yesterday sobbing at my desk because the pain was just unreal).

I guess it’s my turn to be the medical mystery after everyone else has had their turn the past 6 months.

Joy. I hope they can figure this out soon and I don’t have to have a repeat of what happened in 2008. *sigh*

2013 marks the 3 year “Derpiversary” for my partner Reid and I. The story of our relationship is one that has never ceased to provide people endless entertainment. One of our friends, upon hearing our story, said she and her boyfriend had never heard of anyone else failing (in the cutest, silliest ways) so hard to get together for years before we actually did. Reid summed it all up in one sentence, “Despite our best efforts, we finally got together” and I busted out laughing because it was so incredibly true. Now, friends, I will tell you the story of how we failed together into an awesome relationship…

Reid and I met back in late 2007 in the student lounge of the community college we were going to at the time. I had just graduated from high school earlier that year and he was in the middle of transferring colleges (he was a junior at the top college in our state but medically withdrew after he flipped his SUV and shattered his leg). He was sitting on the couch in the lounge with the anime club talking and laughing. I noticed him straight away because not only was he incredibly attractive and well dressed, but he had an awesome sketch of a mushroom cloud in Sharpie on his dingy red backpack that sat by his feet (I was/still am a huge Sharpie art lover). I was immediately shy, something that just does not happen, but since I was only there to study I didn’t really think anything of it. As far as I was concerned I was basically invisible because I was not a part of the social activity going on, I was simply there to study. I sat down at one of the tables in the lounge and pulled out my books and was immediately absorbed in studying for one of my classes. As I was studying, a friend of mine called and my phone started ringing Storm the Gates of Hell by Demon Hunter, keep in mind that back then customized ringtones had JUST come out (and back then you had to pay for them!). After I finished my short conversation I hung up and went back to studying.
And that’s when it happened. That’s when the really cute guy with the gorgeous smile came and sat down beside me at the table.
“That’s a pretty hardcore ringtone you got there, I’m assuming you like metal?” He asked. I stammered out some reply saying yes, I did in fact like metal and most every other form of rock. We chatted for a few minutes before he left for one of his classes. It wasn’t anything flirtatious in my mind (though I wouldn’t know if someone were hitting on me even if they were using a brick to do so) and I figured it was just a one-off fluke since I was a ratty, white-trash home school kid who was wearing old jeans with patches and a faded orange hoodie and short mussed up hair because I was too lazy to use a hair comb back then. It was just because I had a cool ringtone, that was the only reason he would have ever approached me because God knows it wasn’t because of my looks. All these thoughts kept running around and around in my head until they got tired and I forgot about the incident entirely. The rest of the semester went by without any incident, Reid and I would chat in the hall or in the lounge, but nothing beyond class or school talk for the most part. Eventually, towards the end of the semester we said we would look each other up on Facebook so that we could keep in touch while school was out and while he went to VCU (the “real college” in our town). 

For the next year or so we would casually talk on Facebook. We discovered we had a mutual love of sci-fi and video games. At one point when we were chatting about Firefly. I told him I had just discovered the ill-fated but awesome TV series and that he should check it out. After he watched it he hopped online to tell me how much he loved the show, and we talked about that for a long time. In fact, my status had been a quote from one of the episodes and Reid took that as an opportunity to have a “quote off” on my wall that ended up being 100+ responses long. That was when my mom said she thought this guy had a thing for me. I quickly dismissed her claims, he was a wild child, party every weekend type of guy and I was the stay at home and read a book kind of girl. Plus, I was already in a relationship with Ev so it really didn’t matter anyways. Reid even congratulated me on my engagement to Ev and wished us both all the happiness in the world. I never felt weird about being friends with him, he never blatantly hit on me and we really only talked online since we no longer attended the same school. When Ev and I broke up, Reid expressed his deepest sympathies and regrets saying that he thought we were a cute couple that paired well together.

We continued to chat off and on for the next few months, all the while we were both still secretly harboring little crushes on each other that had begun to spring up since my engagement broke off. At one point he asked me if I would  be interested in going out with him and a couple other of his friends when they went out together a few weeks later. I *thought* I said I would like to join him and his friends in a few week’s time. Now this is where our first big fail happened. See, he knew I was incredibly sheltered and stuff and I knew he was a bit of a wild child, and both of us have a devastating sarcasm streak in us that just does not translate well into textual form. He thought I wasn’t being serious when I actually was. He told me they would be going out the Friday after next and so thinking that he knew I was serious, I went ahead and requested that night off from work saying that I had a date (much to the joy of my managers). Two weeks later I’m anxiously waiting in my friend’s garage (which was my home at the time) for Reid to call or text me telling me when and where to meet him. We hadn’t talked at all since he asked if I would be interested in going and I assumed we were still on for the date that night. Well, he never called. Or texted. I had been stood up. I didn’t want to call or text him about it for fear of being intruding or bothering him or accidentally making him feel obligated to bring me along when he didn’t want to. Maybe he was just “being nice” and didn’t mean anything by it at all. We talked a few days later without bringing it up at all, I figured he was just being nice when  he asked if I wanted to come because he knew I didn’t get out and do much and it was simply a gesture and nothing else. So this was our first fail.

The second fail came about in one of our usual online conversations. We had been talking a lot recently and I had been looking forward to every next opportunity to talk to him. I was really crushing hard on this guy at this point. We talked about anything and everything at this point. Out of the blue he started talking about “bagel girl”, a girl who worked at Einstein’s across from his office (the very one I’m sitting in right now as I write this!) he really liked this girl. He said he went a few times a week just so he could talk to her. I was crushed. I was even more crushed when he asked me if I had any suggestions or insight into how to get this girl to go out on a date with him (he wanted a female point of view). I was doubly crushed, but I liked him so much that I wanted him to be happy and since he obviously had a thing for this chick I tried my best to come up with some advice. I thought to myself that this is the kind of stuff I missed out on in middle school and high school since I wasn’t allowed to date back then and this just came with the territory. I figured at this point I stood no chance of ever snagging the handsome bearded fellow from the student lounge.

Our third fail came a few months later. Reid had told me about how he went to a shooting range and got to rent a P90. I said that I loved guns and went to the shooting range with my grandpa every time I went down to visit him. He asked me if I would like to go with him sometime to the shooting range and this time I made it a clear, “Yes!” A week later we met at the range, I brought my .38 snubnose and he rented a 9mm and we shot through 2 boxes of ammo. It was a lot of fun, I always enjoy out shooting a guy (Boom! Headshot!) but it didn’t take us long to get through 100 rounds of ammunition. I was really hoping that he would ask if I wanted to go someplace else afterwards and get a drink or dessert or something, but he didn’t. I was a bit disappointed because it had been a long time (like 2 years?) since I had seen and talked to him in person but again, I figured he was just “being a nice guy.” Poor thing, I come to find out later that he was so nervous about going out with me to the range that night. He was afraid of scaring me off by coming on too strong or being too flirty (not knowing that I can’t tell flirting from just normal conversation and even if I *think* it’s flirting, I dismiss it for good manners or something like that). He gave me a quick hug and said he would talk to me later. 

We did talk later, I texted him to tell him I had enlisted in the Air Force. He was happy for me and thought that was awesome and we talked a lot about what life would be like and he would write me if I wanted him to (which he did, every single day, but that story takes place after the events in this one). Then, a few weeks later, he said it.
“You know, I’m really proud of you and happy you’re doing what you dreamed of, but I have to say, I’m disappointed. I really wanted to date you, and now it looks like I missed my chance since you’re leaving.” (I had told him I was more than likely going to try to get stationed overseas so I could see a bit of the world).
If I hadn’t been devastated before, I definitely was now. I remember going to sleep feeling very sad, but figured it was ultimately for the best anyways. In a way I thought it was nice for a while that we had now established that our relationship with him was just friends. We had friend-zoned each other. I went out on a few other dates with someone else and Reid and I continued to talk since our relationship hadn’t changed at all. We were friends to begin with and would just continue to stay friends. 

Then FINALLY, it happened. I was having an incredibly bad day, hopped up on painkillers due to a massive migraine from the emotional rollercoaster I had been riding for days and I called and apparently left a garbled message on his phone that went something like, “Heeeeeeyyyyyyy, I’m borrrrrred and BORED and do you want to come over and watch a movie with me? I’m at my mom’s and we have some AWESOOOOMe movies. K call me bay.” (I don’t remember this LOL). But ‘lo and behold, it happened (not that *it* get your mind out of the gutter!) and he came over and I ended up talking him into staying up ALL night watching movies with me (and terrible movies at that like: Dante’s Peak, Reign of Fire, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (obviously a great choice) and a couple other awesome ones like Inglorious Bastards and Muppet Treasure Island. From that night on until I left for BMT we saw each other basically every single day. I asked him to be my date at my mom’s wedding (where the ringtone that brought us together started ringing, on the opposite side of the church, where no one was sitting, because I had left my purse there, and it started playing as soon as my mom had got up to the alter to exchange vows with my stepdad. IT WAS HILARIOUS!). After a few weeks we made it “Facebook official” (and then all our friends exclaimed,”FINALLY!!!!!!”)

And that my friends, is the story of the couple that herped, and then derped, and then finally got together despite ourselves.

Us at my mom’s wedding

Our first picture as a “family” with River the hedgehog and Wedge Antilles the baby bunny in Reid’s hands.

Us this past Christmas (Hey look! I have hair!)

When R and I started dating I laid out a few ground rules right away. I didn’t go out on a first date or have my first kiss until I was well past 18 (I wasn’t allowed to date). Because I was so late into the scene I had plenty of time to come up with 4 simple rules that I decided to lay out for every one of my relationships. Most of them I based off of either things I was seeing going on within my own home between my parents and also from good ‘ol fashion sitcoms.
So here is my list that I gave, verbatim, to R when he asked me to be his girlfriend:

1). I will never ask you, “What day is it?”

2). I will never ask you, “What’s different about me/the house/yard/etc?” <Again, IT’S A TRAP!

3). I don’t do Valentine’s Day. Period. I don’t want any heart-shaped boxes full of gamble chocolate or stuffed animals. Let’s stay home and watch Band of Brothers instead.

4). I will never wear real diamonds, in any form. If you want to spend that much money on me, buy me a big screen TV, washer/dryer, handgun, the LEGO Star Wars Ultimate Collector’s Millennium Falcon set, ANYTHING but diamond jewelry (especially engagement rings).

Needless to say R was not at all against these rules. In fact, he was so for them that we don’t even have a specific “anniversary” date at all, but that’s mostly because of how “noncommittal” our relationship started since I was about to leave for BMT and we weren’t sure if this was a fling or what (we’d both failed repeatedly at getting together for about 3 years before we actually did end up dating! That’s a story for another time…) We did start dating around this time 3 years ago. I brought that up the other night when I came home with a new calendar, it went something like this:

Me: “Hey, I think this is our 3rd year together… I think. Or is it the 4th?”

R: “Hmmm… not sure, I think it’s the 3rd though. Does feel like it’s been an age doesn’t it?”

Me: “Sounds about right. Happy anniversary?”

We then high-fived and continued on with our evening by playing LEGO: Lord of the Rings and eating candied bacon. It was awesome.

Do you have any specific rules when it comes to dating and/or serious relationships? 

This morning I woke up to a text from R’s mom saying she was taking his dad to the emergency room. Turns out he had a kidney stone that was stuck in his right kidney and was completely blocking his right kidney up since the stone prevented urine from going to the bladder, and instead was pushing it back out to his system.
He went in at 3 to get scoped and have the stone removed. They ended up using a laser to turn it into powder and  scoped the rest of his kidney to make sure there weren’t any more lurking around (and thankfully there wasn’t). This is especially good news because kidney stone problems tend to run in families, so as this appears to be an isolated incident, R is not likely to be at risk of  eventually getting them himself.

After work, I went with R to the pharmacy to pick up his dad’s medicine before heading over to his parent’s house. R told me about how he got out of a shift at work last spring by saying he had a kidney stone.

“Why?” I asked him.

R: “Well, I kinda came up with that excuse on the spot since I was waiting to see who picked up the phone.”

Me: “Who answered?”

R:”Christian.”

Me:”Oh, the gay one?”

R:”Yeah, I figured out of all of them he was most likely to give me the day off if I said I had blood coming out of my penis.”

Me:”You know, it almost scares me that you can be such a manipulative bastard and get away with it, but not really that scared because I got you down cold.”

R:”You are just as bad as I am.”

Me:”True. At least we don’t do it very often.”

R:”I guess that what that says about us is that we have a very high charisma modifier, but we just don’t abuse that power.”

Me:”This is why I love you.”

R’s dad was asleep when we arrived at the house, which is a good thing because the pain from the stone had kept him up all night and many nights this past week. We ate dinner with his mom and then came home and started watching Dredd, again (R got it last night and we watched it 3 times, and again as soon as I got home this evening. It is now finishing play number 6. I LOVE this movie, as if you couldn’t already tell).

Overall it’s been a dramatic but not really traumatic day (good thing). Gonna see if I can get a little bit of sleep tonight. 

‘night <3