June 25, 2013

June 24, 2013

  • Should I Lie?

    I’m going to be adopted by my stepfather. 

    When I am adopted, I’ll be issued a new birth certificate with his name listed as my father.

    Should I make the government lie for me on a legal document?

June 18, 2013

  • :)

    onback.maybehedoesntwantto

    I shared this PostSecret from this past Sunday on my Facebook. I didn’t send it in, but I did in an alternate universe I’m sure. I shared it because it was just as true for me as it was the sender, even if we are a year apart in age ( but hey, never know, maybe I discover time travel later in my life.)

    My stepdad called and said he would love to adopt me and my sister.

    I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a pretty good excuse to smile.

June 17, 2013

  • This weekend was rough.
    Spent Friday night with a friend because her boyfriend was afraid she would hurt herself if she was alone. That took a lot out of me. I’m barely keeping myself together and now I have to keep everyone else together, too.

    Saturday was alright. Took Scully to the dog park and let her run around and make friends. Started to play The Last of Us. The first 30 min blew me away, can’t wait to play the rest of the game.

    Went to the club Saturday night for their rain night (they turn on the sprinkler system once a month during the summer, lots of fun). Wore my R2D2 bathing suit and a pair of high heels. Got a few catcalls walking downtown in nothing but that later. Good times.

    Sunday was another draining day, but I got to see Sam (friend who tried to kill himself). I hugged the crap out of that kid. I seriously can’t even handle the thought of, “what if he succeeded?” but that doesn’t matter now. He didn’t, he’s still here. He introduced me to the show Hannibal and had a good time hanging out and talking. But it was still draining. His hands shook as he talked, and my heart broke. It’s still hard to keep myself together when everyone else is falling apart. It’s hard to be needed when I’m needy.

    This week I’m going to try to get through work without going crazy. I cry on my morning commute every day at this point. I can’t be here. I need a break.

    Also hard to think about the fact that I will not be getting any rest at all until after I arrive in GA this weekend. I fell asleep in narcoleptic fits 3 times this morning before even getting to work. Once I was standing for about 3-5minutes before I dropped something and woke up. I shouldn’t be driving. I should be asleep.

    I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next few weeks.

June 13, 2013

  • Waiting Game/Don’t Be a Dick

    I really have to hand it to Reid. He has really been handling this week rather well, given all that’s going on. He recently went back onto his ADD medication, which he has been on since he was 6 years old but hasn’t really taken it regularly at all in the past 2 years. I suspect this is playing a role, somewhat, in the reasons why he has has trouble in areas in his life like deadlines and budgets. 
    I will admit, I know basically nothing about ADD other than the fact that my boyfriend has it really badly. I should probably start reading up on it some and see if that can help me be able to understand him better and figure out how to help him more effectively, but at the same time making sure he is no longer leeching off of me. He has really owned up to his shortcomings, I’m actually kinda sorta proud but still really pissed off. 
    I reached my breaking point. There’s just no other way to put it. I just woke up this week and said I’d had enough.

    It’s not like it wasn’t a long, long time in coming. Far from it. If I can say anything positive about myself it’s that I am one patient s.o.b. I would even say I am patient to a huge fault.
    But I guess that’s what it took, and I hate to be the bad guy and shatter someone with devastating reality, but I guess somebody had to be that person for him, might as well be someone who really loves him to death but is just sick and tired of him!

    I’ve been asked what’s been holding me back from just kicking him out basically. I mean I’ve even told him I just don’t feel “in love” with him and have been struggling to for a long time now. I just sorta gave up recently. I can’t force myself to feel the way I think I should feel. And that’s okay, and personally, I believe it’s just something that comes with the territory of being in a long-term relationship. Just like the weather trends; there will be heating and cooling periods. Right now I think I’m in an Ice Age. 

    That’s something I think the trip will help with. I basically was just looking for any excuse to get out of town and away from a while. I need a break from work and him and his family. This week has been exhausting because I don’t get a break from this at all. I work with his mom and dad all day long. It’s pretty hard not to think about your relationship that is currently hemorrhaging out of control when you’re staring the collateral damage in the face all day. At least he wouldn’t be losing family. I can’t even remember the last time both of us spent time with my family together (neither of us can handle the stress). I wonder if the distance and our agreement to not talk to each other at all for the first few days might help me sort out exactly what I want/how I feel. 

    I want to be able to miss him. I want to want him. It’s not like I really want to dump him or anything because I really don’t. Working it out would be much more satisfying and ultimately at this point, unless he loses his rewed drive and commitment to improve and do everything he can right now to fix this, then I don’t see how in the end we won’t turn out as better people for this. I mean, even in the worst possible event, if he gets his crap together and we come back from this week long “trial separation” period and decide it’s too just too little too late for us as a couple, then hopefully we will move on and continue bettering ourselves. All I have ever wanted is for my partner to have the best thing for him, even if that is not me. I have felt that way with all my relationships, and ultimately it turned out for a few, I was not the best thing for them! But they found someone who appears to be and that’s fantastic. The guy I had the BIGGEST crush on for 13 years dumped me out of no where after we had been dating for over a year for our final year of high school/first year of college. He married the girl he left me for and he and his family seem really happy. And I am so happy for him. Even if I would have told you for the better part of my life that *I* was going to be Mrs. A no ifs ands or buts about it. It was “God’s will” even, or so I believed.
    Point is: I know my life is not going to be absolutely destroyed if we don’t make it as a couple. I have a wide, wide world out there full of options, and I would be lying if a part of me wasn’t excited at some of the opportunities that come to mind. 
    Things that we could eventually accomplish as a couple, but things that I could do on my own with less emotional stress of having a relationship. I almost want to be single for a while! I’ve never been single for my entire adult life for more than just a few months at a time! I’m a serial long-term dater, and this is my longest relationship (3.5 years, second longest was 1 year). I’m still a noob and learning things. I will never get this all the way right, even though there isn’t really one true “right way” to relationships. 
    Really, it might just come down to A). Do I want to be a dick and do my own thing without having to worry about the stress of keeping up a relationship while I accomplish my goals, or B). Do I want to not be a dick.
    For now. I’m going with B.

  • The Weirdest Message I’ve Ever Received

    I got a message this morning from another social networking site and I have to say, out of all the messages I have received this one takes the cake (and that includes the one copy/paste of a novel some guy was sending all the girls in my area describing in great detail how wet and excited I would be when he barged into my house for consentual non-consentual sex… yeah… but that one like I said was mass messaged to a lot of different girls. We made fun of him mercilessly).

    Tiny bit of background story:
    I have been chatting with this guy on and off after he commented on some pictures I had posted on the site. We mainly just discussed video games and the like.
    Then I get this:

    “Hi. I want to ask you a question. I think the reason I started this account, was that I have PTSD from my time in Iraq and Afghanistan, but I am afraid to go to the VA hospital to tell them about it. I guess I felt like if I started an account here what I am turned on by and masturbate, explicitly, it will help me become comfortable to go to the VA about that. I was wondering if I could tell you about the things that turn me on on here, and if you don’t want to hear them, please, delete me, block me, whatever. I am very high right now, please don’t take that as a disrespect. Sorry. Goodnight.”

    DAFUQ?!

June 12, 2013

  • Last Nite

    Piecing together last night still from texts and random pictures

    So far,

    Came home last night and immediately started taking shots (without having anything substantial to eat in over 48 hours to boot)

    Texted my ex-coworker on accident telling him that I would shoot Bambi’s mom any day and eat her in front of him too… that text was meant for someone else (you know who you are)

    Forgot it was Tuesday and I was planning on going to a friend’s house for their game night. I remembered 2 shots in when my friend texted me and asked if I was coming over. I told her I was in no shape to drive already and probably wasn’t fit for human company in any case.

    Got on Twitter for the first time in ages and “live tweeted” my emotional meltdown. Why? BECAUSE IT WAS SO INTERESTING AND IMPORTANT.

    Found a picture on my computer of me butt naked playing Guitar Hero… still figuring out how that got there because I was alone at that particular time.

    Wake up on the floor in front of the TV, topless, but with pants, seeing my friend standing over me and telling me to get up and get a shirt on.

    Ended up going over to said friend’s house, shoeless.

    Fell down the stairs at some point at their house. Passed out on their couch and apparently was talking to myself the entire time. Sometimes yelling, “E C!” which means I have having BMT dreams.

    At some point someone takes me back home to Reid who was really tired and I was completely irrationally terrified of him, but he was the complete opposite from what I was expecting him to be (angry and mad at me). Really, he just felt more guilty and sorry than anything else since he knew I was only drinking because of what’s going on between us.

    I guess this is what a pre-mid life crisis look like.

June 11, 2013

  • Xanga Meet Up?: Atlanta

    HEY!
    I just found out in the past 24 hours that I will be in Atlanta, GA June 22nd til at least the 29th.
    Anybody want to have a meet up? I’d love to meet more of you!!!!

  • Somedays, you wake up and you know everything is about to change.

    That was my day yesterday. Sunday was great. So great in fact, that it triggered the events currently in motion.

    I just can’t pretend that everything is okay anymore. I can’t keep telling myself that there isn’t a problem and just stay in denial for the rest of my life.

    I woke up and realized how utterly miserable I really am. How I’m fucking sick and tired of being the one who works the most with the least amount of breaks. My partner doesn’t even come close to clocking in the hours I do. Even when he works doubles, he gets to come home in the afternoon for at least 2-3 hours. I don’t get to do that. Ever. I get to work my 9-10hr shifts straight through. I pay all the bills up front which means I have to make sure I have all the money upfront to pay them, and then he pays me back later… or sometimes never which has been the case quite a few times (but not a majority of the time… but it’s happened too much).

    I just finally reached my breaking point. I went into his mom’s office and sat down in the chair across from her desk and just said, “I don’t know what to do about your son anymore.”

    But talking to her didn’t make me feel much better. At one point she just shook her head and said, “You know, if you were dating anyone else but my son, I would tell you to walk. But you do what you need to, you won’t get any backlash from us.”

    But then also added that she didn’t want him back either.

    I guess that’s what worries me. My own mother-in-law is basically telling me to walk.

    I just feel so angry and guilty. Angry because I deserve to be treated better and I know that now and guilty because no matter how much I love him, I can’t change him. And you can’t count on people to change at all anyways. People only change when they want to change themselves.

    I don’t have a lot of hope that things will work out. I just have hope that things will fall apart more in my favor than not.

    I just feel so sick and alone and scared.

    And if I do leave him

    I lose my job (even though they said they won’t fire me, I’m not going to be able to continue working here)
    I lose the only “family” I ever really had. One that even knows how to spell my name right and all. My blood family hasn’t even been able to accomplish that. His parents have been more kind and supportive of me than my own parents have been my entire life.
    I lose my house.
    I’ll lose friends

    I’ll lose my mind.