June 13, 2013

• Waiting Game/Don’t Be a Dick

  I really have to hand it to Reid. He has really been handling this week rather well, given all that’s going on. He recently went back onto his ADD medication, which he has been on since he was 6 years old but hasn’t really taken it regularly at all in the past 2 years. I suspect this is playing a role, somewhat, in the reasons why he has has trouble in areas in his life like deadlines and budgets. 
  I will admit, I know basically nothing about ADD other than the fact that my boyfriend has it really badly. I should probably start reading up on it some and see if that can help me be able to understand him better and figure out how to help him more effectively, but at the same time making sure he is no longer leeching off of me. He has really owned up to his shortcomings, I’m actually kinda sorta proud but still really pissed off. 
  I reached my breaking point. There’s just no other way to put it. I just woke up this week and said I’d had enough.

  It’s not like it wasn’t a long, long time in coming. Far from it. If I can say anything positive about myself it’s that I am one patient s.o.b. I would even say I am patient to a huge fault.

  But I guess that’s what it took, and I hate to be the bad guy and shatter someone with devastating reality, but I guess somebody had to be that person for him, might as well be someone who really loves him to death but is just sick and tired of him!

  I’ve been asked what’s been holding me back from just kicking him out basically. I mean I’ve even told him I just don’t feel “in love” with him and have been struggling to for a long time now. I just sorta gave up recently. I can’t force myself to feel the way I think I should feel. And that’s okay, and personally, I believe it’s just something that comes with the territory of being in a long-term relationship. Just like the weather trends; there will be heating and cooling periods. Right now I think I’m in an Ice Age. 

  That’s something I think the trip will help with. I basically was just looking for any excuse to get out of town and away from a while. I need a break from work and him and his family. This week has been exhausting because I don’t get a break from this at all. I work with his mom and dad all day long. It’s pretty hard not to think about your relationship that is currently hemorrhaging out of control when you’re staring the collateral damage in the face all day. At least he wouldn’t be losing family. I can’t even remember the last time both of us spent time with my family together (neither of us can handle the stress). I wonder if the distance and our agreement to not talk to each other at all for the first few days might help me sort out exactly what I want/how I feel. 

  I want to be able to miss him. I want to want him. It’s not like I really want to dump him or anything because I really don’t. Working it out would be much more satisfying and ultimately at this point, unless he loses his rewed drive and commitment to improve and do everything he can right now to fix this, then I don’t see how in the end we won’t turn out as better people for this. I mean, even in the worst possible event, if he gets his crap together and we come back from this week long “trial separation” period and decide it’s too just too little too late for us as a couple, then hopefully we will move on and continue bettering ourselves. All I have ever wanted is for my partner to have the best thing for him, even if that is not me. I have felt that way with all my relationships, and ultimately it turned out for a few, I was not the best thing for them! But they found someone who appears to be and that’s fantastic. The guy I had the BIGGEST crush on for 13 years dumped me out of no where after we had been dating for over a year for our final year of high school/first year of college. He married the girl he left me for and he and his family seem really happy. And I am so happy for him. Even if I would have told you for the better part of my life that *I* was going to be Mrs. A no ifs ands or buts about it. It was “God’s will” even, or so I believed.

  Point is: I know my life is not going to be absolutely destroyed if we don’t make it as a couple. I have a wide, wide world out there full of options, and I would be lying if a part of me wasn’t excited at some of the opportunities that come to mind. 
  Things that we could eventually accomplish as a couple, but things that I could do on my own with less emotional stress of having a relationship. I almost want to be single for a while! I’ve never been single for my entire adult life for more than just a few months at a time! I’m a serial long-term dater, and this is my longest relationship (3.5 years, second longest was 1 year). I’m still a noob and learning things. I will never get this all the way right, even though there isn’t really one true “right way” to relationships. 

  Really, it might just come down to A). Do I want to be a dick and do my own thing without having to worry about the stress of keeping up a relationship while I accomplish my goals, or B). Do I want to not be a dick.

  For now. I’m going with B.

  • 10:48 pm
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