May 23, 2013

• I feel as if I’m about to enter a terrifying new season in my life, but not quite yet. Today I was talking with Reid’s mom about him going back to school this fall. I casually hinted at the fact that Reid and I have been throwing around the idea of the both of us going back to school together (but made no mention of the “M” word). “What we need to do is find you a full-time job with benefits some where.”
  My stomach sort of dropped and I tried to hide the disappointment and fear from my face.

  I love my job. I love the people I work with. It doesn’t matter to me that I’m the youngest one here by a good 10 years or so, I mesh well with everyone, I get along with everyone. I have been here for a year now, when I was only supposed to be here for 3 months. At this point I know there is no way they can offer me a salaried position. I’m lucky they’ve been able to keep me here as hourly (even though I have averaged well over 40hrs a week for the past year). I don’t want to leave this job, but I’m going to have to if I’m going to support myself and Reid while he goes back to school. I don’t think our parents would support us going to school together, even though that would be like a dream come true. I want to go back to college and be a student again more than I want a wedding or my MRS degree (want to know something funny? My initials will be MRS when we get married).

  I was comfortable with the idea of picking up a job for nights/weekends. I know it’s probably going to kill me. I’m about to go mad right now just from sheer exhaustion that this week has given me. I’m both relieved and incredibly depressed at my narcolepsy diagnosis. I’m relieved that I’m not crazy for hearing things that aren’t there when I lie down and I’m not just being lazy when I have no energy to do anything but sit and sleep. It’s depressing that that stuff is never going to go away and at this point medication is just not an option I am willing to take (the risks far outweigh the benefits IMO. The medication they want to put me on is a GHB. I don’t feel comfortable taking that AT ALL).

  Strangely, and mostly thanks to the new anti-depressant, I’m not able to “worry” about this like I would normally be. I would be hysterical after having that short talk with Reid’s mom, I would be locked away in my tiny closet office probably crying my eyes out sick with worry. I’m worried, but I’m worried on a more normal level.
  I’m concerned I will not be able to measure up to the tasks set before me of supporting myself and my partner as he prepares to go back to school full time and work less than he is now.
  I’m concerned that I will not be able to adjust to a new work environment. The level of paranoia I experience when starting a new job is worse than any ancient alien/conspiracy theory/truther in the world. I hate new things because they are unknown. Because I don’t know if I will be absolutely ready for anything. I won’t know what to prepare for.

  This biggest thing I feel is just exhaustion. I’m tired. I just want to crawl in bed and never get out of it. How am I going to function being this tired all the time? How am I going to do this? I’ll find a way. I always seem to. I just wonder how much more sanity I’m going to lose before it’s all said and done. When will it be my turn to rest?

  • 2:50 pm
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