March 21, 2013

• Putting in the Positive Spin

  So yeah, yesterday was a pretty tough day for me (as indicated by my previous post). I have this tendency to approach almost every situation and think, “Okay, now what are all the ways this can go wrong and will I be able to handle it?” Then dozens of scenarios play out in my head as well as back up plans, comebacks, retorts, etc.
  This way of thinking and approaching things is not only making me miserable but it’s also making Reid’s life hell and that needs to stop. I can’t appreciate anything for what it is without being incredibly paranoid about all the ways I could ruin it which then most times becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. In short, I bring this on myself.

  I haven’t been researching therapists like I probably should, I still think that the money could be invested somewhere else but that’s only because I think of myself as a lost cause, I’ve been this way too long to change. Maybe this is true, maybe it isn’t that remains to be seen but I can still try my damnedest!

  So instead of thinking of all the ways my life can go wrong in the near future I’m trying to concentrate on anything positive that could come from this, little or big.

  Reid and I talked last night and we both agreed that our time together is going to be drastically reduced, despite the fact that is something we do not want in the least since our time together is already so small.

  BUT

  Maybe that will give me more time to pursue my crafting again. I tend to put down projects when he’s home because I don’t want to be distracted when he’s home.

  Maybe I will be able to be more productive around the house. Again, all housework seems to cease when we are home together because why waste time doing dishes when we could be co-oping LEGO: Lord of the Rings? As it is right now our house has never been more clean or organized (thanks mainly to the puppy) but the upstairs (the humans only zone) is a MESS! I’m thinking about doing a shame post and putting a picture of just how bad the bedroom is and then take a picture once it’s cleaned and organized.

  I will definitely have more time to build the shelves I’ve been planning for a while. I think they will be pretty and great for organizing all my books and comics. It will also clear up even more space in our living room if I can consolidate everything to just one wall instead of 5 random bookcases that take up odd amounts of space all over the place.

  Maybe when we actually do get time together it will be more meaningful. Maybe it will motivate Reid to actually want to get out and do more things together instead of just sitting on the couch. (This is probably reaching a bit, he’s a huge homebody).

  I’ll have more time to read which is something I miss.

  I could also finally take up electric bass. I’ve been wanting to learn that for a few years now, and Reid’s brother has left me a standing offer on lessons. I guess now on the nights when Reid is gone me and G can play guitar together.

  In all likelihood I will probably pick up another job for the nights and weekends. At least I would be making more money. I already work around 50hrs a week but I would rather work more than spend all my time alone wishing things could be different.

  This is probably a fail of an approach but it’s the best I can muster right now. I’m still scared. I’m still sad. And trust me, I know things could always be worse so let’s not even get into that. I KNOW what worse is. Been there, many times. There are real reasons why people make fun of me and call me Walking Murphy’s Law and to “Watch out! Meg’s coming!” It’s hurtful yes but sometimes I’m more than just a disaster waiting to happen.

  Maybe if I start believing that, other people will too.

  • 12:25 pm
  • 4 Comments