February 5, 2013

  • I am a needy person at times. I recognize this and despite how much I wish it weren't so, sometimes I have to just come to terms with it.

    This is one of those times. Not only do I have to deal with the fact that I am unable to bear everything alone like I want to (so as not to burden others, I loathe that), but I kinda have to have these needs filled in order just to function at this point.

    It was bad enough to get the call that there was actually, really something going on with my body to the point where I need surgery (honestly, I was really starting to pull for Team "It's All In Your Head, It Wasn't Real" and expecting the scan results to come back normal) but then I got to listen for about an hour and a half about how much my biological father hates me and my sister and wants nothing more to do with us. "When do I finally get to stop being a parent? They're too old for this shit, I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore."

    Granted, I cut ties with the bastard 3 years ago this past month. I've never planned on ever speaking to him again, but still, you know, there's that little part of you that just hopes you're wrong. Maybe people really can change. Maybe that dad that I loved so so so much as a kid is still in there. Maybe, just maybe, he actually loved me at some point. But no. I'm right, again. I'd love to be wrong. I would be so happy being wrong, because then I'd be loved by the person I loved the most in my entire life. I was such a daddy's girl. I could not wait for his dualie to pull up in the drive way after being gone weeks/months. I kept count as soon as I could of the time he spent away, counting down the days til he got home. I stopped keeping track when I was 14; at that point he had been gone a total of 8 years of my life. I spent all that time waiting. I could go on with this but there's really no use in it. Point is, sometimes you realize when something is not worth waiting for anymore.

    I kinda lost it. I mean, I figured out that he really didn't care for me a few years ago when he threatened to physically assault me. But I thought maybe cutting him off would make him remorseful and change. Maybe he'd really try this time to have a relationship with me. But no. I know my mom took no delight in telling me these things, since she is the one who told me about all that he's been saying. I told my partner tonight that I need to FEEL loved. I *know* I am loved. Very much. After I got off the phone with my mom, I was so happy to be able to go to my afternoon desk at work which is right between R's parent's offices. I know they love me. They don't even have to love me, I'm not even family yet, but I know they love me. I know R loves me, that's why I didn't feel like it would be a burden to tell him what I really, really needed, and that was to actively feel loved. I needed my hand held all night. I needed to hear, "I love you" every 5 seconds. I needed to practically be velcro'd to him (physical touch is my biggest "love language"). And I got exactly that. I know with R that if I say I need anything or want anything, that he loves me and he will be there for me. That is such a nice change. Sometimes I expect him to act like my dad. I mean, you're always told that if you're a girl you'll find someone who's like your dad/ boy someone like you're mom but that isn't true in my case. R and my dad couldn't be more polar opposites.

    I think it's dumb that I need to feel loved when I know damn well I am loved. But you know what? For the first and probably one of the few times in my life, I have people (friends online and in real life, family by blood and family by choice) that don't think that is a dumb thing to need and are more than happy to help meet that need.

    And I couldn't be more grateful.