I feel very worn out. Work has been intensifying and I've been putting a lot more pressure on myself too, which has added a lot of needless stress. It's just so tough to stay motivated at work because ultimately Reid and I are working to have a home together, but I don't really see the point when we are never "together". I'd almost rather just quit and be a little more hungry than never see him because of work.
I really hope we can get away for a couple of days together soon, before classes start.
I do realize that maybe Reid and I have finally come to the stage where we have to "work" to maintain a strong relationship, and work on getting that spark to re-ignite sometimes. I suppose I'm not really used to that, in a way. I mean, I've never been in a relationship that has reached this level, nor have I ever been in another relationship that has lasted so long, those sparks in me didn't have time to cool down before they were suddenly doused all together.
I see now why so many people nowadays break up because "the spark is gone." It's easy to become worried that maybe those feelings are gone forever. But I know that for now, they are just buried under the stress of too many realities. That little ember is down there somewhere, and I just need to uncover it and stoke it up a bit.
Reid has been encouraging. He's been a little more attentive when we actually have to spare minutes together. He holds my hand more. I suppose it's these things that calms my worrying mind. He doesn't think that our relationship is in any grave peril, that we just need to make more of an effort in finding time together, and making the most of that time.

I love him.

I really, really do.

A few entries back I wrote, well pretty much the same mundane crap I always write, but I remember mentioning something about how Reid and I discovered we weren't totally on the same page when it came to marriage (ugh, I hate that word).
Yesterday, I realized why we weren't on the same page. See, for him, nothing is really going to change, he gets a wife. Woohoo. But I guess what I am looking forward to is his name.
I HATE my last name. I tried last year to change it before I left for BMT but it was too much of a hassle, and I still don't understand exactly where I need to begin to even do that.
I suppose I'd rather get the wedding over sooner vs. later because I really, really want his last name. He and I talked about this sudden revelation I had while I was taking him to the doctor. He said that that totally made sense to him and he can see now why I take the stance of "let's get it over with soon" stance rather than siding with his "well, eventually, I guess" mindset.

Meg Shepherd

Has sort of a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

Yesterday, I got to take Reid to the doctor because he burned his foot.
Sadly, the 30 minute round trip was the most time we've gotten to spend together all week.

I really want to do something special for him soon, but I don't know what. I figured I could start by making sure the house looked really nice and cooking him some sort of nice dinner followed up by some fresh apple pie (he LOVES my homemade crust and fresh made fillin! but then again we are both so sick of always being home and never getting to go out and spend real time together I thought maybe I could save up to take us on a little weekend getaway sometime in the next month or two.
I just don't know what to do! And it's not like I have time to plan or execute anything either. I've been working for almost 3 weeks straight with no days off. I feel dead on my feet but tonight I need to somehow pull it together because they are trying to get serious about training. Exciting times, and the extra income is terrific, but sometimes I miss the unemployed days of last fall where we spend 24/7 together. Now we're lucky to even have time for a short, uninterrupted conversation. I'm afraid it's going to start putting a more serious strain on our relationship. I already feel the distance between us.

I suppose I will keep brainstorming ideas until I finally settle on one. And then it will just come down to finding agreeable days on the calendar.

*sigh*

Last night was the most fun I have had in years. Reid and I went out to see my friend and his fiance. It was so good to see them. I forget how much she and I click on the same level!
I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!! Haha as we were walking to our car to drive somewhere else to hang out (the mall was closing) I told Reid that now that I finally have a girl friend that he doesn't have to be my girlfriend anymore. He laughed and said he was sure there was going to be something he would miss from his days as doubling as boyfriend and girlfriend, but he couldn't think of what that might be off the top of his head.
The other awesome thing is that my friend and Reid get along really well too! It's the first couple we've known that we can hang out with and one of us isn't left out (when we go to his friend's house they take Reid all for themselves and leave me at their house with their baby so they can go out and do things. I don't really mind, but I wanted to be friends and not just a baby-holder.)
We already are discussing buying some board games that all of us have been wanting to play but they require a group of people (like Settlers of Catan). Awesome date nights are in our future.

On the way home I asked Reid when, if he had to put it on a calendar, he was thinking we would get married. At first I was tempted to be upset when he was like, "I haven't really set a timeline, I've just been waiting for it to feel right" because that triggered a whole lot of worrying responses in my mind, like, "Oh no, is he still not sure? Why are we living together? I thought he was sure!" panic panic panic. I'm glad I decided to just roll with it and not immediately go hysterical because after he had time to actually form a coherent thought-flow it made more sense. It's not that he isn't sure, it's just a matter of when.
"When" not "if". I can deal with that I'm not in a rush anyways (although I was thinking that if we got married soon it might help out with school bills since we won't have to include our parents in that FAFSA. Anyone know if that might be true?)

Oh, one more hilarious story:

I pride myself on being an a-typical female. I've spent my whole life watching how females interact with the male species and have had time to identify some of the things that I see that women tend to do that do more harm than good in relationships.
That being said, I still have my total female moments.
The other day I was kinda mad, and Reid was out of the room, so I decided to look through his phone. No, he hadn't done anything to warrant this invasion of privacy, no, there wasn't even any doubt in me to begin with. I suppose I was just looking for trouble.
As I was scrolling through his call list 9because his text list was just me, his mom, dad, brother, and work people) I saw this number that I didn't recognize that showed up every once in a while. It was one of the few repeating numbers that was unsaved. There were calls to and from it.
So, naturally I ran a reverse look-up of the number.

And you will never guess what I found....

It was MY work number.
/snooping fail

First things first, I officially(?) have been promoted? I've actually begun training but I'm still getting mixed signals. Either way it won't be too terribly long before I have my own set of keys! And hopefully a pay increase on top of that. I've also got a full 40 hours ahead of me this week. I can't wait for this paycheck, it will be sublime.
Non-work life has been sucking for the most part. I'm terribly lonely when I come home from work, Reid and I still work completely opposite schedules, and by the time I'm off work I don't feel like going out and trying to meet new people. I'm hoping I can meet new friends at school. I feel anti-social but I'm not, I would just rather be in a different crowd than the one I grew up in (basically because I'm tired of all the weirdness because I've chosen to live differently than the way I was raised, and different from the way they now live).
There's also been weirdness between Reid and I. It's as if a Mariana Trench formed itself between us. We sit at opposing ends, sleep on opposite schedules. I'm hoping it's just a phase. I hope it's because we work too much and have so little time together.
We were supposed to have an entire day to ourselves, but that ended up in a complete disaster. I ended up calling work and begging to work the closing shift. I still don't feel like it's been completely resolved.

I guess this is growing up.

I feel as if I'm about to explode into some sort of beautiful awful mess. Something is pent up but I don't even know what it is.
I feel like soaring, and then lying down for a very long time.

Nothing wakes you up more than walking through the door at work and finding EVERY manager in the district in the store, and the district AND regional managers are there as well.

I felt like a bucket of chum thrown into a pool of sharks.

But, I wasn't fired! And I'm getting closer and closer to that third key promotion!

Also, watching "Hoarders" is a really good way to motivate yourself into cleaning your home. Reid was very surprised and pleased when he came home tonight! It's actually clean and organized! I think on Friday I will try to cook a real meal (I've also discovered how superior a gas stove is to an electric stove! I can actually boil water and finish cooking my pasta in less than 15 minutes.

I got a lot of presents this week (I love spontaneous gifts!): a vacuum, a blender (yay! daquiris!), an ironing board, aand 2 books from the new Barne's&Noble collector's editions (4-in-1 novel byH.P. Lovecraft and Arabian Nights). The one I was most excited about was the vacuum haha!

Errbody say, "D'aaaaww"

*voms*

One of the worst weekends I've had in a long time is finally over! Never again will I accept the invitation of being in a bridal party again unless I am REALLY good friends with this person, and that they are okay with my life as a whole and I won't have to spend time trying not to cry as everyone makes their condescending and judgmental comments to me.

"I just wanted to let you know we are rooting for you. It's not too late; we haven't given up hope yet."

Really? Oh well.

I have to say, this craptastic week/weekend has made me even more thankful for my mate. He was there every night and would just hold me as I cried and told him about all the hurtful and frustrating things. He brought home flowers and my favourite desserts just to make me feel better. After I had finished my ranting and crying he would gently push me back until he could see my eyes and say, "Hey, I love you. Everything is going to be okay. I'm not going anywhere."

I'm just going to have to cut the hurtful people out of my life. They aren't ever going to be able to comprehend that I am an individual person who just lives and thinks a little bit differently. I was raised one way, and I have come to believe and live in another way. I don't see what is so wrong about that. I don't agree with the way they go about things sometimes, but I'm not going to go out of my way to say something.
To each their own.

Funny how that seems to only work one way though...

I was wasting time on facebook this morning when it really hit me. Clicking on his page and reading the messages other people have left on his wall drove it home.
"A" was my first boyfriend. We met in kindergarten and became best friends while we went to school together. Our teacher made sure our desks were always side by side (as long as we behaved, which we always did) because the one time she moved us around (just to freshen things up and see faces in new places I suppose) we both became very depressed haha.
I moved after the 2nd grade and so did he, but we kept up through letters and weekends over at each others houses. Eventually we lost touch, one too many moves without updating the other on our whereabouts. I think it was about an 8 year gap before I ever found him again. Actually, his dad found us. He was the general contractor when we built our house (which I like to joke that our project made him find God because it was such a disaster. It's partially true, he left construction after building our house and went on to become a Baptist preacher.)
He had become a pastor at a church that was a few miles from our house. We hadn't been living back in the house for very long when he dropped by on a whim to see if anyone was living there (we had moved several times without being able to sell that house, so we rented it out and eventually moved back in it.)
He stayed for several hours and invited us to come visit his church. It was the best church experience I believe I will ever have. I felt welcomed and people were kind (something I was not used to in a church to be honest).
After the service we went out to lunch with them. I saw him for the first time. It was like we hadn't been apart at all. I was so happy (I had also been in love with him since I was 5 haha)
We started hanging out a lot after that. He took me to ice cream one night and I swear we sat there and talked for 5 hours straight, just catching up on things and talking about our different experiences and beliefs. Neither one of us had ever dated anyone else(we were seniors in high school at this time)
After 3 months of hanging out every Sunday he asked me to be his girlfriend. We dated for a year and then he broke it off suddenly. It was absolutely devastating. I mean, afterall, I was convinced for the better part of 15 years that I was going to end up marrying him.
We talked a little after the break up. I saw him on a couple of occasions when I went to visit some other friends who went to the same college as he did. A few weeks after he broke up with me he started going out with another girl. Again, I was devastated. When he broke up with me he actually said that it wouldn't be a permanent thing, that he just wanted to focus on school and God and such and that God told him we needed to take a break. Thanks, God...

This past weekend he got married to the girl he left me for (at least that is the way I see it. I mean it only took a couple of weeks...)
I have mixed feelings. I am very happy for him. I wish we were still close though. I don't think I will ever have another friend that I will be as close to as I was with him. He wasn't the best boyfriend in the world, but I probably wasn't the best girlfriend either. I was going through a hell of a lot (during the first few weeks of rekindling our friendship my mom caught my dad cheating on her. My mother was also just 5 months post-operation of having most of her left frontal lobe removed because of a brain tumor.) We were both inexperienced at dating and relationships in general.
But oh man, was it fun. I don't think I will ever laugh as hard as I did when we were together hanging out with all of his friends (one of which is now my stepbrother... a story for another time). But he really was the best friend anyone could ever hope to have.

I wonder if he would be disappointed in me if he knew what has happened since we broke up. He is so religiously driven, but in a good way. I really do have a deep respect for him and the way he has lived his life.
I feel like, if he knew me now, he would be ashamed.
I wonder what things would be like if life had turned out different. What if the fairy tale had come true?

Mostly, I wonder what happened to those two kids who shared crayons, pretended to be Jedi's, spent countless hours talking about everything in the world. The two children who secluded themselves in the abandoned corner of the playground because both were outcast for being different.
What happened to my best friend who would pretend to be my pet T-Rex?
What happened to the girl who would drive the fire truck to different disasters?
I hope that somewhere, those two are still having grand adventures, that the little boy will always be there to pull the girl out of the deep part of the pool because she couldn't swim.

I know without him, I would have never had any happy memories from my childhood.
I'm sorry

Restless. I don't know why, but something just isn't sitting right with me right now. Maybe it's because I've confined myself too much. If I'm not at work I am almost always at home. Pretty sure by other signs that my depression is slowly creeping back in. I stopped taking my anti-depressants back in January when I lost health insurance for a while (they were just so expensive!). The first couple weeks off of them were horrible but since I've been doing really well.
The year is just passing by so fast and I don't feel like I have a lot to show for it.
I still struggle with feeling like a failure for coming home last year without my uniform and stripes. I know it was for the best but still...
The neighbors are also about to drive me nuts. 7am every day their kids are up screaming and running around the house. Reid works late (and therefore I'm up late) and when you work late you sleep late, duh! This morning we had to bang on the walls because it was just ridiculous. They aren't babies either, they are school aged kids. I don't want to have to go over and tell them to keep their kids quieter but I will if this keeps up.

I just don't feel well. And it's kinda lonely around here