This week has just been a blur. Work, sleep, work, cry. I'm more worried that I'm just bottling everything up instead of dealing with it.
I still can't believe it's happening, the divorce. I still have that stupid hope of, "in just a minute this will all blow over. They don't mean it" kind of thought process.
But no, here I am, again, in the middle of their midlife crisis'. Fatherless, motherless. Well, basically motherless. Doesn't count if I'm the mother to my own mom. Apparently she is getting a tattoo tomorrow. I had to hold back when she asked if I was okay with it.
No mom, I'm not okay with it. Just like I wasn't ok when you got your nose pierced after my biological dad left or how you started dressing in nothing but Hollister and Aeropostale clothes (she is oblivious to the fact that she is 43, and that their clothes are too young even for me). I wasn't ok when you thought it was "funny" that guys my age were hitting on you (duh, it's because you dressed inappropriately for your age. You may be jealous of my size but I'm jealous that you're mature enough to wear Anne Taylor and look good in it. I can't wait to be old enough to pull of Loft clothes dammit)

I'm tired of being the voice of reason. I'm tired of the way she gives out judgement on the way I live my life but can't see how she is just the pot calling the kettle black (not to mention she accuses me of stuff that I don't actually do, but funny enough, she does them. Like the time she called me an alcoholic because I liked to have A BEER, just ONE with DINNER, while she was making a PITCHER of sangria at 10am and was already drunk because she was drinking more vodka than she was putting in the sangria. HYPOCRITE) or how she always wanted me to date slow and thinks it's wrong I'm living with Reid without being married. Yet this is her 3rd marriage that has ended in divorce. This one comes a year and a half after getting married to a man she met 6 months prior.
Oh, and her divorce from my father was only final a week before their wedding.

I wish I could just tell her how I feel.

I wish she would stop giving her opinions on my life more than anything though. They are invalid, and infuriating.

I just want this all to stop.

Here I am, again, in the middle of a crisis. WHY ME?! I thought my terrible luck was over! I WAS HAPPY! AND SANE!

So this is probably going to come across as a terribly self-pitying post so skip if you like.

I was just starting to like my new family experience! I thought my stepdad was the shit! His kids are some of my only friends. I thought that finally my mom, my sister, and I were getting the good parts of a happy life that we've missed out on for so long.
And now my mom and stepdad have to go and get divorced. A year and a half after they married. And I am again having to take care of everyone when I can barely take care of myself. I should be enjoying life but suddenly I feel a thousand years old, and like I can't go on any longer.
I've not only lost what I thought was a great family dynamic, but I've lost car and health insurance as well.
I just don't understand. And again, instead of having support, I'm the only one giving it. I feel so alone. And no one has asked me how I'm feeling. Nobody. And it's not like their breakup wasn't all over their facebooks and we have loads of mutual friends. No one has said, "I saw your parents change their relationship status, how are you doing in all this?"
No one has said one word. The only person I've been able to talk to is my stepsister, we've been good friends waaaaay before our parents even knew each other. We're both so alone. And she's leaving for college for the first time (well, away for college, she got her degree at a community college, like I'm doing, before going to university.) This week should be all about her and how much she has accomplished and celebrating her victories but instead all this happens, and a lot of her joy is being taken away (she has already had an older sister and a younger brother go through all the ceremonies of leaving for college and she is the last one, and really has worked the hardest and deserves a week all about her).
Sucks for both of us.
I've lost a dad, and a mom. I'm mom, again.

I just don't know how to do this again. Or if I can.

And when you walk inside I feel the door
I'll never let it push your arms no more
And when your legs give out just lie right down
And I will kiss you 'til your breath is found

I've decided I'm just not going to care about the situation anymore. So far it seems to be going well. If I remove my emotional investment in my mom and stepdad's relationship, then, logically, I really have nothing to be upset at.
I think they're just being stupid, but I say this knowing absolutely nothing about what the hell is going on.
This is usually how it works in my family. I am always the very last to know, if I get to know anything at all.

But I still feel it under my skin; I can hear my own screaming. I know at any moment I can plummet and I won't be able to pick myself up. I've come so far, I don't want to lose it all now. I hate that my emotional stability is somehow be affected by someone else's actions. That's too much control for them to have in my life! It amazes and frustrates me how intertwined we all are. I wish I could just cut away everything from my life and just start anew today, and never look back. I've already hacked off so much of my life. My father, most of my extended family, my sister (for a while), and basically everyone I knew in high school (with the exception of a very select few).
I do feel better, just dropping the unhealthy parts of my life has already improved just about every part of my life. Until this past week I've never felt better, emotionally and physically.

I guess, instead of looking at this like it's some mountain I need to climb up, I'd rather just see this as a rock that temporarily impeded my path when it clouted me on the head. That seems much more manageable.

Last night around 2am, our bunny Wedge Antilles escaped. Reid was grilling and I was playing Saints Row at the time, we had the back door open to our fenced in patio because Wedge was being a real brat about going outside. Since we had previously inspected the fence for gaps to the outside and didn't find any we decided to just let him do his thing while Reid was out there.
The problem with that is we forgot he was out there because we never let him out at night. Eventually, I went to sleep and limped upstairs (I believe I have torn some cartilage in my knee. It's excruciating.) Reid comes up too and we both get ready to just nod off completely when all of a sudden he starts panicking and running around the house. I had already taken some sleep aid stuff so I was just a complete idiot at this point. I didn't even ask what was wrong because I was unable to form the words to ask, I was just so tired. He bursts back in the room and asks me if I had seen the bunny since he stopped grilling.
I immediately jumped out of bed, and all the adrenaline blocked out any messages being sent from my poor knee. I ran outside in nothing more than one of Reid's oversized shirts and house shoes and he throws on some running shoes and shorts and we went outside and just ran. We climbed on top of neighboring fences to peer in and see if he was there, then Reid went in one direction and I stumbled in another.
My gut told me where to go. I don't even know this neighborhood at all except for where our townhouse is and how to get to the main road from the parking lot.
I walked towards the back of the complex where there are these scary looking apartments. I didn't have my glasses on so everything was just dark blobs.
Off in the distance I saw a weird lump in the middle of a parking lot. I thought it was another car, or opossum because I saw plenty of those as I was calling for Wedge. Reid saw me crawling on my hands and knees in the parking lot and I guess he realized I had found him.
One guy pulled up and was asking if it was my rabbit and what his name was. He actually caught the reference and said, "I like you guys already. I love nerds." He helped us herd Wedge until we cornered him and got him home, where he collapsed in a little shaken, damp ball of fluff.

Reid and I both agreed that when we have kids, we are buying them leashes.
And that Wedge will have to wear his "flight suit" if he ever thinks he is going outside ever again.

I just want to go out and get hammered.

So so so bad.

This weekend was pretty bad, I won't lie. There was a lot of pent up issues and frustrations, much more than I thought was there to begin with. But I think we worked it out. Sunday was terrible. I spent almost the whole day crying, and the rest of it with the worst stress headache ever.
In the end though, it all worked out. I guess even if communication is one of our strong points, I suppose we still do have to make an effort at it sometimes.
The overall feelings of stress and uncomfortableness has subsided. Our house is no longer filled with tension, and we have been spending more time *together* than we have in a long time. Usually, I'm just on my computer all night while he watches TV and plays the N64. I realized how much my computer time was eating into our quality time, so now I try to make it a point not to be on the computer as much when he is home, and he has been playing more games with me than just zoning out to Star Trek and playing Ogre Battle.
It's been very nice. We've laughed more the past couple days than we have in months.
And he is a dirty Castle Crashers player, but his antics crack me up.

I feel better than I have in a long time.

I like being able to say that

"These words with no reply
Stopping "we's" and starting "I's"
This need is killing me
And taking me over

I wanted to mean everything to you
But this isn't right
You keep coming back disassembled
And I keep losing this fight."

This weekend has been grand.
Friday, Reid was able to trade his dinner shift away so we got to go out Friday night like a real couple! And it wasn't disastrous!
We went to the downtown convention center because he found out that the Lincoln movie was having a casting call for a man "with the ability to grow long hair and beards." Reid has had a beard the entire time we've known each other. I can't imagine him without one! He was one of the last people let in because we got there kinda late. His mom and his brother were there. It's always fun to get to talk to them. After that we went to Quaker Steak & Lube for some drinks and hot wings. I had their Tequila Lime BBQ wings. They must have mixed some crack cocaine in the sauce because I am entirely addicted. I haven't been able to stop thinking about them for 2 days!
It was a really fun and much needed night for both of us.

Today was a day of breakdowns and breakthroughs.

Why do things have to be so complicated and intense sometimes?