I'm quitting my job today. They are unwilling to give me time off so I can pass my classes, especially since I have an all new class that I have less than a week and a half to complete. I can't work 8-6pm and be in any shape to study for the 2 exams I have Thursday, much less work on my independent studies course at all.
I'm so incredibly miserable. I can't remember a time when I've been so depressed (which is saying something, because I've been depressed my whole life).
I just don't feel like I'm going to be coming out on the winning side no matter what I do. I quit my job so I can get my degree, so I won't have a job anymore. If I don't quit, then I run the risk of not getting everything done, so I won't graduate.
I've done nothing this week but cry. I'm crying right now as I type. I wake up crying and I cry myself to sleep at night.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like this is all a disaster and my life is basically over. I know this isn't true, but it's how I feel, and I'm helpless. R's family has already hired me at their medical illustration office for secretary work. So I'm not going to starve and I will still be able to pay my bills. The job will last until August so that's time for me to find something more permanent.

I'm just tired. So.Incredibly.Exhausted.

And my day is just beginning.

I'm so overwhelmed right now. I shouldn't have fought so hard for this ceremony thing because now I have a semester's worth of work to do in a week and a half on top of being in the middle of the last round of tests and papers before finals. I hate my school. I don't know why they wouldn't just let me take a summer course where I'd have, you know, weeks to do this project? Fuck. I'm so stupid.

I'll preface this by saying that I have the absolute best academic advisor ever. She's worked with the vice president on what we can do to let me get my 1 credit hour in before the semester is over, especially since it took him so long to give me a verdict. They've set up a special 1 credit class that I will take with my advisor (I will be the only student in the class). It'll probably be an advance literature class, and I have a feeling it will be an extra paper or two for the mythology class that I've been in this semester. It helps that she is also my mythology professor on top of being my academic advisor. The only downside is I have to pay for it out of pocket, but even that is being taken care of by my stepdad. When I told them about the arrangement he said he wanted to pay for it, I didn't even have to ask!
I hope that this guy will get better about getting back to students on their matters in a timely fashion, and that maybe he'll be willing to work with students more in the future. I still think it's ridiculous that he wouldn't waive it, or let me just participate in the ceremony and let me receive my degree after the summer semester.

I still haven't heard back from my professor about meeting with the vice president myself. I still can't believe that after applying to have the credit waved back last September, that I'm just hearing back about a decision now. When it's way too late for me to sign up for a 1 credit course this semester so I can graduate. If they had told me back in January when I inquired about it, then I would have been able to sign up for the basket-weaving class (and I'm not even kidding, it was a Japanese basekt-weaving class that met for just a couple weeks, was 1 credit hour, and filled out the hour I'm missing in my transcript). The fact that it's such a trivial credit insults me. I have a 3.29 (not the greatest GPA but great considering what the past few years have been like) and the fact that I've been there 5 years (apparently you can't get your degree in 2 years unless you take 19 credit hours a semester, and you don't work at all).
I'm going to try to push for at least being able to participate in commencement. I'd have to wait another year for them to do it again, and if that's the case, I'm not even going to do it at all. I didn't have a high school graduation ceremony, so this would be my first (and probably only).
I just want to have a normal'ish life. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 19. I didn't have a prom (there was a dance, but it was... terrible), I didn't get a cap and gown, much less a class ring or diploma. My parents wouldn't allow me to apply at universities or for federal aid to go to a 4 year school. I also had to pay for my own tuition, books, work part-time, and had a curfew of 9:30 unless I was working.
I just want a normal experience for once. I didn't get to be an adolescent. I went from being a child to having to be the only responsible person to act as caretaker for my mom when I was 15. Our relationship hasn't ever recovered from that. My mother constantly looks to ME for approval, and calls ME and asks if what she's doing is right. It's hard. I want a mom just as bad as I want a dad. I just want a parent. There was something very relieving about going to R's parents house Thursday night and just bawling while they hugged me. R's mom was so encouraging, and was there for me when I really needed someone. I can't express enough how much I love his family. They've made me feel welcome and loved as a part of their family from the very first time I met them. His grandma especially. I swear that woman is just going to keel over from happiness whenever we have a kid (and if it's a girl she will surely die from joy). I wish my mom didn't live an hour from me, and that gas prices weren't so high. Maybe one day our roles will reverse again and we'll be like a normal family.

I really appreciate all the support and encouragement, it's helped me get through the past few weeks!

Won't be graduating after all. I'm at a loss for words, I'm crushed I won't get to walk across the stage with my grandparents in the crowd. And for what? A single credit hour of general electives that I asked to have waived last September and was just denied today. Really? I've been at this junior college for 5 years. FIVE YEARS. I just can't be cut a break. You'd think at this point they'd be trying to force me out the door and onto bigger and way better things.
But no. So now I won't get my cap and gown, and my grandpa will probably never get to see me receive my diploma.

I just can't believe this. I'm so incredibly crushed. Why can't I ever be cut a break? On the grand cosmic scale of things would it ruin anything to just get thrown a freebie this one time?

Haircut!

Today is my second day in Bethesda, MD. Last night I went to Video Games Live, and let me tell you, the show was phenomenal. I was able to see them when they came to Richmond 4 years ago, and this was the closest place they were playing to me, and so after almost a year of camping out on the website for tickets, I was able to enjoy the show from my comfy box seats! Patience pays off. I was the FIRST person to buy tickets to the show.

The best part of the show was when they had Ralph Baer come on over Skype in the middle of the concert. How awesome is it that we got to "talk" to the guy who INVENTED video games? He's 90 now but he said he had no idea how his invention would evolve and become such an integral part of culture as know it today. "Magic, absolute magic," were his exact words.

Today, we went to the National Aquarium in Baltimore, which was just an hour away. I got the best shirt ever:

There were two places we wanted to go to that was featured on the Food Chanel's "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives" but both of them were closed today on the account of Easter (curse you fertility zombie of everlasting life day!).

The only other downside to this whole weekend is the fact that I have a super bad case of the flu. Aches, snot, fever, the whole nine yards. At least I'm on vacation so it doesn't matter if I don't feel well enough to get out of bed, I can just get room service!!!

Best vacation I've had while feeling like absolute crap, ever.

*shakes head*

I can't wait to get out of this place!

All was not what it appeared to be.

I just want every one to know, there's no need to worry about me. Ok, maybe a little, but nothing serious (so if you are friends with me on facebook, please don't message my other friends or family or anything).
I'm still trying to work out how to go about this the right way. If there is a right way. The evidence is pretty damning, but still, I don't know everything (which can either be good or bad at this point, I don't really care anymore.)

I'm not going to do anything stupid. In fact, I have yet to breakdown, or have a panic attack, or get so fuming mad I clean the whole house in 5 min (though, this could provide for some good rage to rage clean with, right? I jest. <see I made a funny so there's nothing to really worry about.

Yep, I'm hurt. I realize I may hurt even more in the time to come, but I'll cross that bridge if I ever have to. Yes, I'm scared. Terrified even. But I'm not in fear of my life. I've never had to worry about being hit or beaten or verbally abused and I know I'm not going to have to worry about that now (I mean, I highly doubt an entire personality change has occurred in the past what? 3 hours since I stumbled across this?).

So, in essence, it could be worse. But I hope that is doesn't get worse. I think for now, the best plan of action is to just try to focus as much as I can on getting homework done (because the very worst thing that could happen right now is not passing a class and not being able to graduate in a few weeks.)

I've got a long road ahead of me. I hope I don't have to walk it alone. My sincere hope is to work things out, unless whatever else unfolds in the very near future proves that to be impossible.

This is just one more thing I can add to the list of fucked up stuff I've had to go through. But I'll get through it, one way or another.

Also, thank you to Lithium, Greek, and Quantum for your support and kind words. You guys have no idea how much that helped