Me: I WANT YOU TO PROPOSE ALREADY!
R: I'm actually developing a video game right now that has the proposal as part of the story line.
Me: Oh is this another Duke Nukem? You're going to spend 15 years in development and get everyone's hopes up just to have it be subpar at best??
R: This is why I love you.

Me: You make me feel like a princess.
R: You mean I make you feel inbred, lazy, and fat and unworthy of inheriting an estate because you're a female.?
Me: This is why I love you.

I'm sure this will sound silly, but in the past few days I've busied my mind by busying my hands, to to speak. I started making a friendship bracelet as part of a gift basket for a friend, and I've found it to be pretty therapeutic and relaxing the past few days, not to mention a lot of fun.

This is the pattern I made for my friend.

So, if anyone would like a bracelet crafted by the ever so talented me, let me know what colours you'd like and I'll make and send you one!

I went up to get Friendly yesterday, but he was in such bad shape that I didn't want to freak him out by taking him away from his normal routine. They didn't tell me how bad off he was. I didn't know that he's taking enough pain killers to choke a horse just to be able to move. He tried so hard to get up on the couch with me. But when he did he would just lay there, not sleeping, but just staring around. He was struggling so hard for me. I went to go get him a treat and he's always had this routine when we would get him a treat and make him do tricks. I wasn't even wanting him to do anything, I just wanted to give him a treat. But he sat up and tried to wave hello, and barked, but he couldn't do the last part of his routine (lay down and half way roll over to play dead, god that's so awful to type now.) He didn't have any stories to tell me this time. He always has a story. Mom said that he can't move unless he's doped to the gills. It's hard for him to lie down she said, so he just stands for hours on end. She started asking me the hard stuff and I just lost it. I can't make the final decision. I can't kill my best friend. I can't be there when it happens. I can't watch him close his eyes knowing they won't ever look back at me every again. His little eyebrows will stop twitching, and his brain will cease to think of whatever he thought of. He was so bright. For a lab mix he was brilliant. He knew everyone's names in the family. Mom would say "Go to Megan" and he would come right to me. When I was sad he would lay his head in my lap and press down as hard as he could. Like he wanted me to know he was there, and wasn't going to leave me alone.

I can't do this. I came home and cried the entire hour I was driving. I came home and R hugged me close and we both cried for a long time. We're both going to lose our dogs this year. His dog is 17, a medium spitz mixed. We had a scare with her a couple weeks ago but now she's fine. I'm losing my 13 year old brittany/lab mix. And I can see what is going to kill him.

The worst part was seeing a tumor. One that my parent's hadn't noticed, because that's how quickly I'm losing him.

I don't even know if I can take him out tomorrow like I had planned. Since we didn't think it was in his best interest for him to spend the weekend with me, we decided that I would pick him up Sunday and take him for a long ride (car rides are his absolute favourite.) There was a bad storm last night and half the state is out of power (I'm not because I live on a grid with a fire station). I don't even know if I can get up there to him because of the damage or stations being out of power.

But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die.

Today should not be this way. Today my favorite band ever is playing in my city and I should be jumping out of my skin right now. But all I can think about is Friendly, my big old puppy. How can I begin to say I'm sorry I can't cure his cancer? Much less the fact tht for the past 2 years I've lived in places too small for him to come live with me. I regret now not trying to find a bigger place so I could keep him with me. He slept in my bed. He was by my side every moment. He was especially glued to me when I was sick. He would barge thru me trying to close the bathroom door. He used to carry notes between me and my sister for fun or to my mom when my throat was too sore to ask her to bring me more soup. He was very silent for a lab. It took us 3 years to get him to bark at all. But now he always has a story for me when I go visit. How do I say goodbye? I know he is just a dog but I'm so heartbroken. I feel so guilty.

*snickers*

AND VLOG!
SUFFER GREATLY FOR NOW I AM IN VIDEO FORM!

Daddy, she has your eyes
And when she grins you can only realize
The guilt she manifests so deep inside you
That your thin veneer of catechism can no longer hide
The voice you hear, her secret pain
As she digs the shiv into her placid veins

Now she has your eyes
Something you wanted, you wanted, something you wanted, you wanted
But she can't yet realize
Something you wanted, you wanted, something you wanted, you wanted
Your ever wayward eyes
Something you wanted, you wanted, something you wanted, you wanted
Will be her demise
Something you wanted, you wanted, something you wanted, you wanted

You slipped into another, forbidden
Took her for the ride, you've ridden
Hoping to let her deep inside your disdain
What was it that drove your feign
Into another's arms, into another's bed
When all the while your young one waits up in dread
What was it? Was it something she did?
What was it? Was it something she said?

Now she has your eyes
Something you wanted, you wanted, something you wanted, you wanted
But she can't yet realize
Something you wanted, you wanted, something you wanted, you wanted
Your ever wayward eyes
Something you wanted, you wanted, something you wanted, you wanted
Will be her demise
Something you wanted, you wanted, something you wanted, you wanted

Writhe and burn father you were

She dances in the moonlight
Collecting drops of the earthy dew
Celebrating her exit
From the benign sense of self she once knew
Raising her heavy glass
(Raising her heavy glass)
Her cup now spills on her skirt
And as she cuts her knees in the dirt
She prays for the hourglass to flip and reverse

Now she has your eyes
Something you wanted, you wanted, something you wanted, you wanted
But she can't yet realize
Something you wanted, you wanted, something you wanted, you wanted
Your ever wayward eyes
Something you wanted, you wanted, something you wanted, you wanted
Will be her demise
Something you wanted, you wanted, something you wanted, you wanted

Now she has your eyes
Something you wanted, you wanted, something you wanted, you wanted

Writhe and burn father you were

Happy Father's Day.

I woke up this morning and R told me "Hey, if you take a shower, just don't let the water run along the wall, there's a leak."
Morning ruined at this point

Then I go downstairs, and sure enough there is actually a cleared out spot in the living room with a crowd of buckets and bins... all with about an inch of water, and the ceiling is visibly sagging.

R's now mad at me for freaking out a bit and scrambling around to get stuff picked up before I let strange people in my home (my mom is to thank for that. I always have a panic attack when I know people are coming over and my house is less than perfect. Every. Time. I hate her for it. Just a little bit)

On the plus side I didn't have to go to work early this morning!

And I've worked over 70hrs the past week and a half so my next paycheck is going to be bitchin. Good thing too if for some reason we have to pay for the repairs (has anyone else ever rented a place? how does major damages like that work? We have never seen it leaking until last night.)

I'm trying so hard not to let this get to me. I've been doing so much better recently! Stresses from this morning aside, I've had an amazingly good streak of no panic attacks or crippling bouts of depression. Go me! lol

Also, how convenient is it that I have a therapist appointment tonight?
As far as disasters go, this one seems to have timed itself conveniently.

My mom, me, and my stepdad

R and me

R's mom, me, and R's dad.