July 12, 2013

• Thank You and Goodbye (for now)

  I have to admit, I haven’t been keeping up with the drive or how close Xanga is to reaching its goal.

  Frankly, I just haven’t cared.

  I went through a panic at first. XANGA IS SHUTTING DOWN? ZOMG NOOOOO! It wasn’t fun. The mourning process had begun.

  I have a lot of history with this place. I mean, I’ve been here almost 10 years, under a different handle at times, but I was still here all the same.

  In a sense, my most meaningful relationships were here for a time. I don’t interact a lot with people in the “real world”. I work alone in an office and I prefer to spend my off time alone or with a select group of people. You all here, reading this right now, have seen my soul bared (and sometimes more than my soul ) many times over. You’ve seen me struggle, you’ve seen me win some, you’ve seen me lose some. You’ve seen me lucid, you’ve seen me when I wasn’t. But through all those years I was always ME. In many ways, being here helped me learn to be myself out in the big scary world too. I used to lurk here, reading blogs but never commenting. I didn’t interact with a lot of people because I thought I was too weird or that my opinion was just going to be a waste of time to read. My opinions don’t matter to anyone else but me, that’s the way opinions work. I don’t share mine unless I’m asked to because (for myself) I feel like I am being rude when I offer up an unsolicited opinion.

  Then I decided to challenge myself. I decided to visit other people. I decided to interact more. That was a good decision for me. I was able to open up without much of the panic and I was able to translate that into interacting with people face-to-face as well. It’s been a wonderful experience being able to handle more social situations now than I was a year ago. Some of you all here helped me achieve that and I will forever be grateful.

  But for everything there is a season. No matter what happens this place has already changed in a way that it won’t come back from. People left in droves, some of us are still banded together for the time being.

  But in any case, for me, I see it as a sign that my season is about to change. The leaves are a bit of a different color, there’s something in the air that feels new but at the same time not.

  I don’t know what’s going to happen to be honest. Right now, I’m going through a very tough and confusing time. A time when I need to sit back and *think*. Listen to myself for a while and figure out what I need. I love and appreciate every single one of you (ok that’s a lie, kinda, I love a majority of you )

  Everything I thought I knew has been turned upside down. I’m just trying to figure out which way is up and start going in that direction.

  I feel though, this is a journey I need to take alone for a while. I need space to breathe and think and maybe to keep some of my thoughts and actions to myself for a while. I’ve been really scarce around here, and that’s why. I need space. I need to think outside of this text box for a while. And it does make me sad knowing that when I feel ready to come around again, there won’t be a place to come around to anymore (I know there’s WP, blogger, FB and all that crap. I just mean, when I come back. I won’t be coming back home the way I left it. Just like when I went to BMT, my mom sold my childhood home a week after I left. When I came back, I didn’t come back home. I came back to a house that had some of my things, but it wasn’t the same. I’m feeling those feelings again now. Those memories coming back and this feeling so much like deja vu.)

  But I want to say thank you. Thank you for being here for me. Thank you for reading my thoughts, reading about my life, reading about my dreams and my nightmares alike. Thank you for bearing witness to my total nakedness (literally and figuratively) and for helping me to believe that there are things about myself that are worthwhile. That are valuable. That are unique. Sure, I’m not everybody’s cup of tea, but I was still welcome to sit at the table. You made me believe I have something good to contribute (even if it doesn’t look so good at first. Someone has to do the dirty work).

  I’ve got a wild journey ahead. I hope one day, I can share that journey with some of you again.

  Take care of yourself, and of each other. Remember to smile, or if you can’t, give that smile to someone who needs it more than you do.

  Happy trails, my friends. We had ourselves a big time.

  • 1:44 pm
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