HEY!
I just found out in the past 24 hours that I will be in Atlanta, GA June 22nd til at least the 29th.
Anybody want to have a meet up? I'd love to meet more of you!!!!

Somedays, you wake up and you know everything is about to change.

That was my day yesterday. Sunday was great. So great in fact, that it triggered the events currently in motion.

I just can't pretend that everything is okay anymore. I can't keep telling myself that there isn't a problem and just stay in denial for the rest of my life.

I woke up and realized how utterly miserable I really am. How I'm fucking sick and tired of being the one who works the most with the least amount of breaks. My partner doesn't even come close to clocking in the hours I do. Even when he works doubles, he gets to come home in the afternoon for at least 2-3 hours. I don't get to do that. Ever. I get to work my 9-10hr shifts straight through. I pay all the bills up front which means I have to make sure I have all the money upfront to pay them, and then he pays me back later... or sometimes never which has been the case quite a few times (but not a majority of the time... but it's happened too much).

I just finally reached my breaking point. I went into his mom's office and sat down in the chair across from her desk and just said, "I don't know what to do about your son anymore."

But talking to her didn't make me feel much better. At one point she just shook her head and said, "You know, if you were dating anyone else but my son, I would tell you to walk. But you do what you need to, you won't get any backlash from us."

But then also added that she didn't want him back either.

I guess that's what worries me. My own mother-in-law is basically telling me to walk.

I just feel so angry and guilty. Angry because I deserve to be treated better and I know that now and guilty because no matter how much I love him, I can't change him. And you can't count on people to change at all anyways. People only change when they want to change themselves.

I don't have a lot of hope that things will work out. I just have hope that things will fall apart more in my favor than not.

I just feel so sick and alone and scared.

And if I do leave him

I lose my job (even though they said they won't fire me, I'm not going to be able to continue working here)
I lose the only "family" I ever really had. One that even knows how to spell my name right and all. My blood family hasn't even been able to accomplish that. His parents have been more kind and supportive of me than my own parents have been my entire life.
I lose my house.
I'll lose friends

I'll lose my mind.

Sooo Sunday I got to have a very mini Xanga meetup with @onestepcloserto_perfection!!! Molly is the only Xangan so far I have met in real life and Sunday was actually the second time I got to see her!
Molly had asked me a couple of weeks ago what I was doing June 8th and I told her that I wasn't up to much but that she should come down on Sunday the 9th because Richmond was having it's first ever bacon festival (well bacon and beer festival but mostly bacon). Molly came by and we hung out for a bit at the house and introduced her to all the critters. Scully was by far the most excited
After hanging out for a bit we decided to head downtown and check out the festivities and OH MY GOD Richmond was totally not ready for the people's love of bacon. HOW COULD YOU BE SO FRAKING STUPID, RICHMOND? IT'S GODDAMN BACON!
Apparently, after checking around, the venders were only expecting 5-6K people to show up, max... 17,000 people were there that day. There were 20 different venders and a few bands and a lot of beer packed into the tiny 17th St Farmer's Market. There were crazy lines EVERYWHERE. One vender had a line that was at least 50yds long and everyone was lining up for blocks and blocks. It was a free entry festival but you had to either buy passes for the food or just buy the food and beer once you reached the vender tent. We didn't end up actually getting anything because it would have taken all day (although I will say that the coffee coated bacon s'mores sounded like an orgasm of epic proportions... I should have just swiped one when I was close enough to nab it).
Since the Bacon Festival was a clusterfuck (basically, literally) we decided to take Molly to our favourite burger joint, Burger Bach (pronounced like "batch" not like the composer whose name is spelled the same). They have the best burgers and fries I've ever had (and I can actually eat them, which is amazing since I can't eat any fries anywhere else because of the fat content and my lacking of gallbladder).
After we were done inducing a food coma we went back to my place and took Scully to a park right up the street from us that we had never been to but was dog friendly (I was actually under the impression they had an off-leash site for dogs but apparently that is another park). It was really fun getting to walk and explore and try to wear the puppy out (didn't happen lol). After a while Molly had to head back up north. BUT YOU BETTER STAY IN CONTACT WITH MEH! Even if this place goes under, which I hope it doesn't!!!

So yeah, it was a pretty epically great Sunday, even if Richmond embarrassed itself in front of new people

I guess I don't have much to say these days.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't understand this growing numbness. I can laugh but soon the laughter fades, and the smiles wither and die.
I know it will probably pass. I've gone through this before, the numbness. If I could feel, I would feel guilty for not really meaning the "I love you"s, at least not in the same way. I don't feel it when I say it.
Last night he held both of my hands tight, as if trying to keep me from sinking back into the sea of ambivalence I've been drowning in. "It will pass," he said, and gripped a bit tighter.
I've already gotten used to sleeping in an empty bed.
I've already been thinking about life away from here, and everyone. I've been mulling the idea of moving to Georgia, but to be honest, I mull this over every few years, and nothing ever comes of it. But the urge is stronger this time. This restlessness will end me if I cannot shake and move soon.

I just feel like I'm potentially going to miss out on something big.

Reid and I spent the day out and about. I woke up quite a while before he did and poked around Tumblr and uploaded my new photos there and on fet. I finished reading the 2nd Walking Dead Compendium. I've now read to issue #96, it is AWESOME! Gonna start watching the show again now that I've read up to almost the current issue. I watched season 1 and liked it but wanted to read the comics first before watching anymore. Glad I did.
We took Scully to the park and let her run around after Reid woke up. She behaved incredibly well around all the other dogs! We were hesitant about letting her off the leash at first, there were 4-5 other dogs around, bigger than Scully, but a couple around her size. The other people there with their dogs convinced us to let her off the leash because "they'd sort it out" and it would be fine. Finally, we let her off and she ran around and played with the other dogs (while being INCREDIBLY submissive, such a funny sight to see). Afterwards, she was all dirty and slobbery so we took her to Reid's parents' and gave her a bath with the hose (soooo much easier than giving her a bath in the tub!)
We walked around their neighborhood for a while before coming home and getting Scully to take a nap. Then Reid and I went to a comic book shop that isn't but a couple miles from our house. It's HUGE. I was really hoping that I would be able to get some new issues of The Walking Dead but they didn't have issue #97 and it's a two-parter with #98 so I'm going to wait and go back or check out the other shop near my work tomorrow. 

Here's to a new start:

This will be updated whenever I get around to migrating over to WordPress or something.

For now you can reach me by email:

thegunslingergirl7@gmail.com