June 4, 2013
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I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t understand this growing numbness. I can laugh but soon the laughter fades, and the smiles wither and die.
I know it will probably pass. I’ve gone through this before, the numbness. If I could feel, I would feel guilty for not really meaning the “I love you”s, at least not in the same way. I don’t feel it when I say it.
Last night he held both of my hands tight, as if trying to keep me from sinking back into the sea of ambivalence I’ve been drowning in. “It will pass,” he said, and gripped a bit tighter.
I’ve already gotten used to sleeping in an empty bed.
I’ve already been thinking about life away from here, and everyone. I’ve been mulling the idea of moving to Georgia, but to be honest, I mull this over every few years, and nothing ever comes of it. But the urge is stronger this time. This restlessness will end me if I cannot shake and move soon.I just feel like I’m potentially going to miss out on something big.
Comments (9)
Aren’t you getting married soon? Are you having second thoughts or is this a random post about some lyrics?
If it’s not depression making you feel that way and you genuinely want to pack up and go and leave everything behind and begin a new section of your life, I say bloody well go for it!. That’s the kind of thought that excites me. The only reason I don’t do it is because I have such a crap job and I’m afraid of not being able to support myself properly, but I know that if I did move away and start a new section of my life, it’d do me a lot of good and it’d toughen me up so much. My fears keep me here in this ‘life’, although I don’t really have a life here. Everyday is mundane and I feel barely any excitement or happiness. I wish I had the guts to just go.
@olwd - Nope, no marriage anytime soon. Not even an engagement anytime soon I think. There’s just been a lot going on and a lot that I’ve gotten to the point that I can’t take anymore. At this point I just feel like everything is a too little too late even though he is trying in earnest to finally get around to dealing with issues I’ve been telling him have been a problem for years. I just don’t have that fire anymore. It’s buried for now I guess.
Flame of passion will die out eventually, but the underlying love is what keeps a relationship going. I hope there’s love, and not just passion in the relationship.
Awwww, well I’m sorry to hear that. Perhaps I’m getting you confused with another then on the marriage part. I suppose if it’s continuing in sort of a “holding” pattern then it may just be time to break right and head for clearer skies. Ok, I have no idea why I made this out to be a TOPGUN scenario. LOL
@sf2slc - There is love, it just doesn’t feel the same to me right now. I know I love him, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We’ve both helped each other grow so much. Maybe this is just part of the cycle, I don’t know. I’ve never been a relationship this long (3.5 years, we’ve lived together for 2 years now). There’s just been a lot of stress recently and I guess this is the emotional backlash of that.
@thegunslingergirl - when there’s stress, be careful how you deal with the stress. Avoid lashing it out to the person/people who loved you the most. They are most vulnerable. Be sure to let him know what’s on your mind, have him help you figure things out instead of keeping him outside of the fortress wall.
You are always growing and you might just feel a bit out of your own skin right now.
We all go through those time when we’re emotionally depleted. I guess you just take advantage of that time to look objectively at things. Regardless of emotion, do you have a relationship on which you can build a life? That doesn’t mean it needs to be totally stable or perfect, just workable. If so, then just maintain until this passes. I recommend this time for analysis, but positively not for making any life-changing decisions.
See how you feel in a few weeks. If it’s the same, I saw move. Go. Don’t try and force yourself to stay where you’re not content girl.