April 3, 2013
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I Love My Depression
I just had a mini-revelation this morning and I want to try to get it into words before it gets too complicated.
I am thankful for my clinical depression. Actually, today I kind of love it.
Weird thing to say, right? This is why I thought this today:
This morning I woke up depressed. I usually wake up most mornings depressed but today it was particularly bad. I dread everything out of initial instinct, this makes things hard at times, and is something that I know is unbearable for my partner (sorry, hun, I’m working on it). For the most part, it’s out of my control. It is one of those things that isn’t a problem with me, my personality, my behavior, or conscience (all of which can play roles in depression but in my case does not). In my case, my depression is about 85% chemical imbalance issues (the other 15% caused by real life, stressful situations; but these numbers like 66.7% of all statistics are made up), and I am not currently taking any SSRI’s for it. This may or may not change soon, but I’ve always tried to tackle my emotional issues from the inside out. Instead of medicating myself, I’ve spent the past 3 years doing intense, albeit mainly solo, introspection and analysis. Basically, I have been slowly concentrating on figuring out why I feel the way I do about things, and if it has something to do with things that have happened in real life, or if my brain is just overloading on unhappy chemicals that is causing me to feel down or react to situations in ways that aren’t quite rational at all.
It’s been a long process. I have probably gotten it all very wrong and haven’t been doing it the “right” way but we will leave that up for a later debate.But here is why I am thankful for my depression:
I appreciate the little things more, the small little details. When I’m depressed, I don’t feel like going out of my way for anything, I mainly just want to hide in a hole in the ground and never come out. So when someone goes out of their way to do something for me, I immediately notice, because I don’t go out of the way for myself and I don’t expect other people to either. Growing up, I was always taught depression was a sin. Yes, a sin. It was something I could control because I bring it on myself through my heart and through my actions (I will concede to a point that this can be true in some cases. Sometimes depression is brought on by the wrongs we have committed, but this is not the type of depression I am talking about here. That’s guilt). Depressed people in the social construct I grew up in were ostracized basically, nobody should associate with the depressed person because they obviously have something grievous going on in their lives that could cause you to stumble and potentially risk your relationship with God.
Because of growing up and believing this, small acts of kindness that other people go out of their way to do for me just kind of blow me away. If I wasn’t depressed, I probably would take a lot of people’s kindness and generosity for granted. I grew up to believe that being depressed was an ultimate form of selfishness, but honestly, I would probably be more selfish if I wasn’t depressed.It makes me appreciate the people in my life more. I KNOW I am one tough beast to handle. I KNOW that sometimes, I make every minute a nightmare for anyone within 100 miles of me. I know this because I have to live with myself, and I am stuck having to hear my own thoughts all the time, most of the time I spare that from others (trust me, no one wants to know what really goes on inside my brain, everything that I share is extremely filtered, even if it doesn’t come across that way). When I am at my worst, I am in awe of the people who have chosen to stick by me and I make sure they know that. Reid deserves every gold star in the world, and then some. I’m serious, he is one of the best people on this entire planet. Is he perfect? No, far from it, but that makes me love him more. This past Sunday he had a pretty rough day. He woke up grumpy (rare!), he lashed out at me when there was no need (rarer still, but I was content to just let him go on cuz I had my cereal, I was just fine) he threw little fits and nit picked and then went to work. He came home that night and was a little better. He apologized for how he acted, I just hugged him and said, “No, seriously THANK YOU for being the difficult one today! I needed a break from playing that role. Also, thank you for how much crap you put up with from me.” And we laughed and everything was great. Everyone should have a Reid in their life, and that is why I like sharing.
I am thankful for my depression because it reminds me that I am MUCH more than just my illness. Like I said, this morning I woke up depressed, and there wasn’t any reason for me to be feeling that way. My life is good right now. I am absolutely surrounded with so many positive people who love me, who care for my well-being physically and emotionally (here on this site that has been more of a home to me than any physical building as well as in real life) and will do anything to help improve my life for my ultimate happiness. If I hadn’t woken up depressed this morning, I probably wouldn’t have spent all this time being thankful for how much my life doesn’t suck. Depression is a part of me, yes, but it is not what ultimately defines me as a person. I’m pretty sure (or at least I hope) that when I die, the loved ones behind aren’t going to put, “Here lies the gunslinger, the depressed.” (Although, I would find that quite humorous). Depression is something that at times does hold me back, sometimes I let it negatively impact my life when I shouldn’t. I don’t have to be passive about it but sometimes I am. My ultimate goal is to not let it hold me back though, and that is a battle every day. I will gladly fight it, with whatever weapons I have, medication or just sheer force of will.
The fall and winter months remind me a lot of my depression. The trees lose their leaves and life seems to stop and decay sets in. I think those days are the most beautiful. The clouds can be weeping and hugging the earth for comfort and sometimes that can be a suffocating feeling for some humans, but I imagine sometimes that those clouds are crying tears of happiness and rain ultimately brings about life. So what appears on the surface to be something sad, is really something quite beautiful. The grey weather that matches my grey feelings gives me hope because with all this metaphorical rain in my life, I’m bound to have one beautiful garden before it is all said and done.
That is my hope. And this is something I know I will be reminding myself of often.
Today, I am depressed but life couldn’t be more beautiful than it is right now.
Comments (39)
Life is always full of mysteries, obstacles, sudden changes in direction. But, the one thing they all have in common is that they are all learning experiences. When we have a wrench thrown into our lives, we learn much more about our world and ourselves in a much faster pace than when we are comfortable with no disruptions. Certainly, suffering is something nobody wants to go through, but through the suffering, we persevere. And when we truck through that suffering, we have overcome our obstacles and triumphed in inner strength we never knew existed until that point. You’re a strong person. And you will no doubt continue to kick ass.
Thank you so much for this. As someone who struggles with depression, and who has her entire life… I
needed
to read this today. This was truly wonderful and inspiring. Thanks for sharing.
I had a major depression once and I I cannot see how anyone could ever be thankful for that….It was terrible horrible.
@laytexduckie - I agree, if given the choice, I doubt anyone, unless they were truly crazy would choose the path of suffering but I wouldn’t be who I am today if it hadn’t been for some of those struggles and hardships. I probably wouldn’t have the relationships I do now if I hadn’t had to walk the hard road and that would be so sad for me. We can do this. We can do this together, there’s no need to walk alone.
@nimbusthedragon - Thank YOU for that comment! That was something *I* needed today. If I can help just one person in any small way, then this is all worth it. You are not alone! We are not alone!
@tendollar4ways - I can understand why you think that way. I feel like that is the normal way to feel and react to something like this. But it’s an every day reality for me, and always has been, and I can either let it defeat me, or let it help mold and shape me into a better person and I don’t know how that can be begrudged. That is simply how I feel about it personally, and it’s A-OKAY if no one else feels or thinks the same.
I have days where I am just so depressed and I really shouldn’t be either. I was diagnosed bipolar about 8 years ago. I am not the complete bitch in a milasecond bipolar – I’m the you-never-saw-it-coming-but-suddenly-I-have-gone-from-happy-to-suicidal-depressed kind. And I get so mad at me for it because I should really be thankful instead.
I was taught a lot of stupidity in the church I grew up in, but I was NEVER taught that depression was a sin. WOW. The only spiritual connection I make with depression is that I do believe there are demons who literally feed off of the negative energy from depression and so will do everything they are allowed to to manipulate situations to bring it on. (And some who feed off of anger, hatred, and other things like that.) I have no scriptural confirmation/cancellation of this, it is just something I have come to believe.
Oh yeah, one more thing I wanted to add that I heard long ago – you reminded me of it with all your metaphoric rain – “Without tears, the soul could have no rainbow.”
You are a raging optimist and I love you! hehehe
@mtngirlsouth - That is beautiful with the tears and the rainbow.
@mtngirlsouth - I have often wondered if I am bipolar, with some of the online research I have done I would say that it’s a pretty safe bet I fall somewhere on the bipolar scale. This is something I might actually be taking up with my primary care doctor soon and potentially a therapist to learn how to deal with the swings and cycles better.
Also, completely agree with the “energy feeding demons” thing. It’s taken me a very long time to come to terms with a the fact that my depression is not sin. I can’t tell you how many times growing up I have been lectured by pastors, group leaders, youth leaders, and other people with “spiritual authority” over a child that my depression was sin that I was defiantly holding onto instead of confessing and turning away from it. I mean really, what sort of unconfessed sins could an 8 year old have been hiding to cause this sort of depression? It’s just plain wacko to me. But then again, it’s part of the cult culture and the legalism they enforced was to make sure everyone stayed in their prescribed roles as the leadership saw fit and had nothing to do with the Gospel or God’s love for his people and what He wants for his children.
Also, thank you for that quote! It is currently on a post-it note on my desk and I will be putting a matching one on my mirror at home!
@olwd - I’m trying my hardest to break the pessimistic cycle within myself, this feels so much better and there is so much hope!
I have dysthymia and there is no way, not even a nano second, I would appreciate depression. It’s a horrible illness that robs a person of a decent life. It sux and it leaves a person feeling lonely, sad, with no self esteem. If you love it so much, please take mine. I will give it to you willingly.
I have faith in you dear!
@dancingrain4u - If I had a choice, I would not choose to be clinically depressed. I do not wish for anyone to feel the way I do or worse (if I could take people’s suffering onto myself I would, in a heartbeat). It really is horrible, it really does destroy lives. But it’s something that is a part of me and I have chosen to accept it and be thankful for the role it has played in my life as opposed to being bitter and feeling like it has defeated me. I’m a competitive person in every area of my life, and I will not let this beat me without a damn good fight.
The title really interested me. I see your point, and I think I have to agree with you. Although depression absolutely sucks (I felt depressed before. I took meds, but I’m not sure if it was actually clinical depression) it makes you see what and who truely matters.
Adorable with Reid, thanking him for being the difficult one haha
@jennylovve - It absolutely does suck! Like I said, this was a mini-revelation I only had this morning but I felt like going on and on about how much depression negatively affects my life would have defeated the purpose of this post (which was mainly for myself so I could go back and re-read and encourage myself that it isn’t all terrible all the time). DEPRESSION BLOWS! There are days when I cannot get out of bed, there are days and weeks where I’m so depressed I can’t eat. I do not in any way shape or form enjoy my depression, if I had my way, I wouldn’t be depressed. BUT I can choose how I decide to handle it. I can lay in bed and waste away, or, I can try my best to focus on the things that really matter, and try to find a way to be thankful or at least be at peace with the way I am.
Oh yes, I understand that more now… You have a good attitude!!
Thank you for sharing this! I have several close friends and family members who have depression. You’ve shared much here that is helpful.
I am so proud of you! You are such an amazing woman!
We all have our struggles and we all have our ways we cope and try to hang on.
It’s always great to have someone in our lives who understands and is helpful. Sometimes a friend is the reason we survive….and then thrive.
HUGS!!!
c: that’s great
Attitude is everything. Thank you for being brave to open yourself to us. You are quite interesting and I find myself enjoying getting to know the you that you are showing us.
I was also diagnosed with clinical depression. I like the attitude and approach that you have taken toward living with it. I don’t think I feel defeated by my depression, especially when it is coupled with my PTSD, exhausted is a better description.
I am not going to compare my bad days you real clincal depression. But I love (and understand) the way you accept it as part of who you are. And you like who you are
Well said.
I can identify closely with this. Thank you for sharing.
My friends father has depression that is mostly a chemical imbalance, so his meds are keeping him alive essentially. If your depression is 85% chemical, how do you get by without medication? Just wondering. I love the optimism in this post, and although I am not depressed it made me smile. There is always something to be grateful for. Thank you.
You’re just full of interesting outlooks. Keep it up. I so enjoy reading your posts. Now, back to that poly lifestyle…
I actually perfectly understand what you mean. Depression makes me fight for life, appreciate more and be happier with less than the whole world.
I know there’s more to it than that but.. I think I owe depression for activating my instinct to fight against drowning in it and upward to some of the things I’ve achieved for myself.
Copious credit for your attitude of appreciation. I wish you well, very well indeed.
I admire your optimism
Forcing myself to get out and volunteer and help others lifted my depression. Also, getting up and looking at today and thinking it was gonna be a good day was helpful. Putting a fake smile on my face actually made me feel better.
Glad you are getting help..once the medication/therapy kicks in…the above suggestions may be something you could try.
Know you are not alone. And, there is always a bright light in a dark room if you’ll JUST LOOK FOR IT.
Christy
@isitreal_no - I guess in short: I don’t. Yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had as far as clarity and being rational without it being a struggle. Medication I’m really supper iffy about, I’ve only ever been on one anti-depressant and it wasn’t the right one for me, and I didn’t particularly like how zombie’d out it made me. Sure I wasn’t super depressed anymore (although it made my anxiety skyrocket because it was having a bad reaction to other meds I was on) but I couldn’t feel at all. I couldn’t feel sad and I couldn’t feel happy and I decided I would rather feel than just smother my emotions.
This could potentially change. I’m seriously considering going back to my primary physician and giving anti-depressants another shot, because I want more days like yesterday. My partner was pretty much floored yesterday when he got home because I was so upbeat and positive and that’s not something I usually am… at all. So if I don’t do it purely for myself, then I want to do it for him, because he had a shit day but after he got home and I got to help him out a bit and do things for him and he saw what a positive mood I was in, he was over the moon. And he was so super happy and proud of me. Today, I’m back to feeling like I want to cry, but I keep reading my own words over and over and tell myself it’s okay. Blogging has been my therapy so far, but I’m ready now I think to dig deeper and that is something I know I will need professional help in. Now it’s just a matter of getting the money.
@DarkYangofICE - Thank you for reading, and thank you for the comment! I was actually beginning to feel a bit crazy because I felt like I was the only person in the world who felt this way about my depression but I’m glad to know I’m not alone. Thank you for that!
@greatredwoman - Thank you so much, your comment is very encouraging! I need to be better at taking the blindfold I so often put on myself so I can see and find that light easier!
@hombre_de_la_mancha - @godfatherofgreenbay - @lanney - Thank you!
It’s refreshing to know someone can see the good in clinical depression. I am not there yet.
@ShannSanctified - This was something that only dawned on me yesterday, and today I’m back to square one again, BUT I am so happy I took the time to write about how I was feeling yesterday because it gives me hope that I can get back there again.
@thegunslingergirl - I recently found an ap on my phone that tracks my moods.. just started using it so that when I do go see my shrink I can tell him what’s really been going on but I noticed one day from the next it’s totally opposite.. ha
@thegunslingergirl - I sincerely hope it all works out for you, you deserve more days like yesterday. Blogging helps me too, it’s good to get things out somehow.
isitreal: personally my depression is 100% due to chemical imbalance and I refuse to take meds after trying to take them for years with side effects such as hair loss, crazy weight gain, etc. To answer your question, some possible solutions are a combination of healthy eating, exercise, positive thinking, a good supportive network (I lack in this area).