April 2, 2013

• I have that restlessness in my spirit again. I’m a nomad and I’m coming up on renewing my lease for a second time which just kind of makes me a bit sick in my stomach to think about. “I’ll be here for at least one more year.” *shudder*
  This city has been my second least favourite place to live (TN is the top slot). There’s just a lot of bad memories here. Years of spiritual abuse. Years of physical abuse. Every day I’m reminded of what I’ve survived, and that makes me both proud and sad. Most of the time when I go out I’m constantly looking out to avoid the people I knew growing up. Home schoolers are freaking every where though and I always run into them when I’m least expecting it which is usually uncomfortable and awkward. I will go out of my way to avoid some of these people. I want to move some place new. Some place free from bad memories and the people who brought them about. I long for new, fresh air. I need to get out of here, but I know it will be some time before that is feasible. But one day, it will happen.

  A friend of mine recently helped host a spiritual abuse awareness week with other bloggers like Rachel Held Evans. My friend and I grew up in the same cult (if I’ve said it once, I will say it a million times more; Sovereign Grace Ministries is NOT a church, it is a very dangerous cult. They perpetuate serious spiritual abuse by way of their culture). Reading the blogs and the stories just ripped me open all over again, and it made me sad that I am still too scared to tell my story. I could have, I could have but I didn’t. It would have been a safe place to tell my story but I still feel like my lips are sewn shut. My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth when I try to talk about it. I hope one day I can talk about it, I know it would probably help. There were so many stories that sounded like I could have told them, and it was very eye-opening for me because sometimes I forget to factor in all that stuff when I approach my anxiety. Sometimes I will be triggered by something that doesn’t make sense to me because I blocked out all that, but reading other people having the same anxiety issues I have and realizing there is a direct correlation between that and the type of abuse I withstood for the better part of 18 years it suddenly all made sense. I even had Reid read some of the stories because I felt that it better explained parts of me I couldn’t explain myself.
  I’m still working through all of that stuff. The processing of it tends to be constant but on a background level, but sometimes it will consume me to the point where I can’t move.

  I’ve withdrawn a lot in recent weeks. I can’t remember the last time I talked to anyone in my family. I don’t even talk to Reid’s parents as much at work anymore; I tend to stay upstairs instead of coming down in the afternoons and working the downstairs desk since I can hear the phones to answer them from my office. I feel my hermitiness creeping back in, and on one hand I don’t much mind it because I could use some alone time, but on the other, I know it’s an extremely unhealthy thing for me to let it get too far. I’ve come a long long way on my social anxiety to the point where I don’t actively think of all the excuses I could use to decline an invitation out, most of the time I accept and look forward to going out and being with people. I’m so proud of myself!

  I’ve gotten back into gaming some. I really miss playing video games. Working at GameStop for a year really burned me out on the subject entirely but Bioshock Infinite has me itching again to play more games. I am loving Infinite right now, I can’t wait to finish it! I’ll probably go back to Skyrim after, I get so sucked into that game. I love it. I’m still pretty bummed that the South Park game got pushed back, but hopefully the delays will mean they are trying to push out a better game. I’d rather wait then have a buggy game or something with a subpar story/play.

  Tonight, Reid and I are going to sit down and pick out a weekend for a get away (I’m hoping we can do something towards the end of the month or early May at the latest). We’ve only had 1 vacation together that was just the two of us (no family) and I was sick as a dog the entire time. I’m going to stock up on vitamin C and take loads of that before our vacation haha! I’m excited. I think we will probably just end up going to Charlottesville and visit UVA. It’s only an hour and a half away and it’s beautiful out there with lots of wineries, I just hope we can find a hotel or B&B that’s affordable. If not we might just tent camp it up there (weather permitting). In any case, I am really looking forward to having something to work towards. I try to have at least one thing to look forward to, far off or near, it just helps me stay motivated and hopeful.

  • 11:44 am
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