March 19, 2013
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It would have been better if you had died. Really, it would have. I would be able to live with myself if you had killed yourself or if you had died in an accident or something. I would probably still love you if you had died all those years ago.
Before you showed yourself to be the liar you are.
Before you blamed my mother (your wife) for your adulterous ways because *gasp* she had the audacity to have brain cancer.
Before you left your wife after she had her left frontal lobe removed and dumped her on your 16 year old who had to bathe, feed, clean, and teach her how to do normal things again.
Before you threatened me. Before you beat me.
Before you threatened my sister, my dog, my friends. Before you tried to kill my dog.
Before I found out how much you hate me for just being alive. It’s not my fault I’m alive at all. Technically, it’s almost all your fault.I’m so jealous of people who had their dad’s die when they still loved them. I’ll never love you again. Never. I’ll never want *you* ever again. I’ll want the dad I deserved to have, the one you never were and never will be.
It’s not fair. All I wanted was love. All I wanted was to spend time with you. Why do you think I bought you those bottle rockets? (*hint* it’s because I got such a kick when my friends and I played with one I wanted to share that experience with you) And what did you do? You put them in the back of your closet and never looked at them again.
But I did.I remember the rockets. I remember the fishing rod that I have yet to ever use because I was waiting to go fishing with you. I’ve been waiting 13 years now. That’s all you were ever good for. Teaching me patience. Because someone has to have a lot of patience to wait for something that isn’t coming but chooses to believe differently. If you had died I could probably still look at the model plane set I wanted to do with you, and never opened because it was going to be “our” thing with a little bit of happiness and think, “Oh man, he would have loved this.”
But the truth is, you wouldn’t have. You never enjoyed anything with me even after I tried my best to do anything that might interest you.
Softball
Basketball
I did those things because I saw your high school pictures, and I wanted to be just like you, even though I had been born with girl parts.It hurts to know that every, “I love you” was a lie. That all those years I waited just to get a few minutes with you once you were back for a few hours before work pulled you away again. All that wasted time. All that heartache wasted on you.
You remember that time my sister and I came out running and screaming and jumping up and down in our flannel PJ’s when we saw your truck pull up a few days early?
No, you don’t, because it wasn’t you, it was just the bug man. That was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life at that time (I mean, I was only 7).But you didn’t come home. And you never will.
It’s not fair. I never wanted to hate you, but who could love you after all those years of abuse and misery? How do you even live with yourself? I couldn’t if I were you. I would have killed myself a long time ago before anyone had the chance to hate me like you’re hated now.
Comments (12)
That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever read. Ever.
It looks like it needed to be said though.
I can’t imagine what that type of pain has to feel like. All I can do is offer meaningless condolences. I hope that your children enjoy a relationship with their parents that is everything yours with your father wasn’t. Again, I’m sorry.
Hugs!
This is very very sad sweetie. BIGGEST HUGZ OF ALL!!! I’m proud of you for standing up and getting that out. I hope you can move on and forget the terrible things he did to you, although I have a feeling it may never go away. I hope that you can find a good man (sorry, not sure if you have a man now) to love you like you so truly deserve sweetie.
@olwd - Thank you *hugs* I have an amazing man, we’ve been together for over 3 years. He is everything my dad isn’t (in all good ways) and I couldn’t be more thankful. Even though Reid (my partner) and I don’t really plan on having kids, I’m thankful to know that even if we did, he would be an amazing father (it’s so cute to watch him with just our animals. I can’t imagine all the feels I would get if he were holding our spawn). I feel sad though, because so often I think that Reid is going to act like my dad did and sometimes I treat him like he is the asshole he really isn’t. I try not to though, I know that they are both very different, just sometimes I get scared and forget that.
{{{{hugs}}}}}
So very heartbreaking. {{{HUGGS}}}
So happy that you have Reid dear. A good man makes life worth living. Problem is there are not many out there.
I’m sitting here weeping.
I’m so very sorry that this is how your father was/is. 
I think everyone deserves a good dad. It breaks my heart that most kids don’t/didn’t have one. 
Use your pain, MySweet…try not to let it use you. Move forward. You can be a help to others who had less-than-good parents. I had to come to the place where I realized one of my parents was never gonna’ be the parent I needed/wanted them to be. It was a sad place. But the acceptance helped me move forward.
I’m so glad Reid is in your life! Let him love you. Give him your support to continue to be a good man.
HUGE HUGS!!!
my heart hurts for you, but you have to let all the anger and resentment and hurt go. you have to be free or it will just eat you up for the rest of your life. do you ever wonder why you’re so afraid of Reid giving up on you? maybe because your dad never gave you the chance you so desperately wanted and deserved. he doesn’t matter anymore. I hope this post can help you see that.
I’m sorry…
Our stories share a lot of similarities. My father died 3 years ago this week. I hate him most for never apologizing. Thank you for sharing your story. I married a man who is a devoted father and husband, but sometimes a certain tone of voice will trigger the old fear. It helps remember who I never want to be.