January 29, 2013
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Yesterday was bad. Actually, Sunday and Monday were pretty bad, emotionally. The long and short of it is that on Sunday Reid and I went to go pick up a puppy we had applied for and had been approved for but last minute they took him away from us because he was a pit bull type dog and they wanted to clear it with our apartments before letting us take him home, even though they had said we could and we were just finishing up getting all the things for him at Petsmart and were about to sign the paperwork when they stopped and took him from Reid. Then they called yesterday and said we were officially denied because our apartment doesn't allow dogs over 30lbs or "aggressive" breeds (whatever that means, you're more likely to get attacked by a yorkie or chihuahua than a regular pit).
I was really tore up over it. I spent the rest of Sunday crying. I spent so much time crying yesterday at work I soaked through the arm of the 2 sweaters I was wearing. It's a good thing I'm a silent cryer.The thing I knew there wasn't any reason to be so upset. It really wasn't about the dog. I don't know if it was really about anything I just couldn't stop crying for 2 days straight. I hated myself for it. I don't have the right to spend all afternoon crying and being depressed when there's nothing to cry or be depressed over. For the moment, my life isn't actively falling apart. So why am I so depressed?
I felt especially sorry for Reid. See, I *know* I have issues. I *know* it's hard to deal with me (it's hard for me to deal with me, so I assume then it must be at least twice as hard for anyone else to deal with me when I'm in a bad way). I know I'm insecure. I am completely aware of every negative aspect I bring into a relationship. I've admitted it since day one and continue to do so til this day. What baffles me is that he seems perfectly okay with all these things. Sure, there are days when he admits that I am a bit too much for him to handle, what I don't understand is why he doesn't feel like this every day (like I do). I can't ever comprehend loving myself so I'm completely floored when someone else says they love me.
Yesterday, I came home a mess. I mean a complete wreck. I was angry, but I didn't know why. I was panicky for no reason. I was scared. I tried all afternoon to figure out what the hell my problem was and I couldn't put my finger on it. I couldn't even blame it on my father. I know I brought a big black cloud home with me when I walked through the door. Reid was supposed to go to a Christmas party with his co-workers since their managers never planned on during the actual holidays. I had already said earlier in the day I didn't want to go (every time I'm around him and his co-workers it's like I don't exist. They all ignore me, even when they are in MY house). I told him if I wanted to spend a night alone I'd rather be at home than standing awkwardly alone in a bar like the last Christmas party. I took a shower and bawled. I dried off and laid down on the couch and bawled some more. All this time I figured that he would leave any time for the party.
But he didn't. He stayed out of my way when I first got home, probably for the best. But then when I finally got over being in a Hulk rage and went back to being a cry-baby he came and sat down on the couch with me and held me. He didn't say anything except that he loved me. He just hugged me. It confused me. He had a perfectly good reason to leave me alone to do my crazy thing and go out and have a good time with his friends. But he didn't. He didn't even want to (he said as much). He said he'd rather stay home with me and help me feel better. And I think he really meant it. Eventually, the crazy spiraling out of control cry fest stopped and we had a pretty pleasant evening. He even got me to smile and laugh some (a Herculean feet).
I just don't understand. That is not what I would have done if I were in his shoes when it came to dealing with me. If I were him, I would have just left me at home after telling myself to suck it up and go to the party. I don't love myself to voluntarily stay for when I'm like that. I would get as far away as possible and hope it blows over by the time I get home. I tried to get him to go and spare himself the trouble. He said if he felt like going he would go, but he never did. He said that in no way did I impede him going to the party and that he genuinely wanted to stay home with me instead.
I just don't get it. I'm still waiting for him to realize what he's gotten himself into and bail like the rest. It's what I would do if I were him. I don't know how to love myself (I'm sure that's been apparent on here for a long time) and I really don't understand how anyone else could love me. I just can't comprehend it.
Comments (5)
Just know that everyone is built differently, and how they respond and connect to other people are different as well. To continue the thinking that every person is going to leave you hanging high and dry is a self-destructive way of thinking, and can affect your relationships. You have a good man in Reid, and I think one of the ways you can begin to understand why certain things are happening is to accept that events happen, no matter the circumstances. When we constantly question the underlying motives (even if there are none), we often lose ourselves in the negativity of the situation when we don't have to. I know it's hard to not be able to accept why certain people stay or leave, why they do or do not want us, etc., but the fact of the matter is, it happens and the only thing you can do is accept that it is happening. There is nothing wrong with fighting for what you want, but you also have to keep in mind that sometimes, a turn in events might actually become a positive thing. And there's no reason to try to reject everything, because it will only make them harder to handle every time they resurface.
For now, embrace what has happened and know that Reid loves you and want to do what's best. Hopefully, things get sorted out with the apartment and the dog ( which, by the way, the aggressive label is bullshit because the behavior is stemmed from the owner to the dog and not the dog itself).
@laytexduckie - EXACTLY (in reference to your last sentence about "aggressive" breeds). I really did feel discriminated against. I'm not allowed to have a pit bull because *I* look like the type of person who would fight my dog or abuse it to the point of aggression? It's total crap.
^ What Ben said. I hate when he comments before me! Haha he takes what I want to say, but puts it in better words. He's right, though.
He responded exactly how a mature, committed partner should respond. It's often difficult, sure, but that's life. We're all hard to love in different ways, but love isn't about your assessment of yourself. Insisting that he shouldn't do something because you don't deserve it is denying the nature of love. Just be grateful and express your gratitude by believing in him and in returning that honest caring however you can. That's the way it's meant to be.
i'm the so-called "stable" one in some of my key relationships.
i'll offer that i find a particular joy when i can be the person who can be relied upon to be reliable. with one precious friend, i likened myself to a statue pedestal that allowed her the foundation to raise her hands high and be beautiful. i'll tell you what i tell her:"i've got your footing, so don't look down on yourself. instead, look up, raise your hands to the sky, and smile."