*Last year, in Meg’s life*

• Celebrated 2 years with R
• Started my final semester of 13th grade
• Rescued a short tail opossum, Sherlock 
• Quit my job at GameStop so I could graduate 
• Graduated cum laude from community college
• Started working as a summer intern at a “grown up job”
• Summer internship lasted into fall
• Cleaned blood out of an SUV that was from R’s dad when he ripped off his finger
• Got R and I through financial hardship when he was out of work for 2 months because of a broken foot
• Added another critter to the zoo, this time a Jersey Wooly bunny named Tribble
• Spent Thanksgiving with my family and ENJOYED it (big deal right thurr)
• Said goodbye to my dog, Friendly, who was my best friend and constant companion for over half my life
• Held Sherlock as he died.
• Survived Christmas and met the rest of R’s family 
• Celebrated my mom’s official remission MRI results

Really, not a lot, but overall it was a better year than some of the ones in recent past. 

Bring on 2013. I’m ready for ya.

I don’t even know where to begin, the past 72 hours have flown by and yet still felt like an eternity. For the most part I think the holiday went well. Christmas Eve we woke up and drove to R’s grandparent’s house in NC. The drive wasn’t too bad. R worked a Sunday double the night before so he slept the whole way while I drove. It rained some which was interesting because I discovered my windshield wipers were a little too old and worn out. We got to the house around lunch time. I sequestered myself into a corner to finish knitting hand warmers for R’s dad as his present. Christmas Eve with R’s paternal grandparents was lovely. His 2 uncles came as did his cousin. We ate dinner and watched movies and opened presents. I got R some matching cups for his Japanese cast iron tea pot. He really liked them. I was really excited to give them to him especially after he said in the car on the way down that as soon as we got home he wanted to find matching cups for it (my mom and stepdad gave him the tea pot last week when we went over for Christmas with my family). I gave his mom the scarf I made during Project: Drunk Knitting. She loved it. I got a few CDs and another volume of Judge Dredd comics (only a week and a half til the DVD comes out!!! … No, I’m not excited about it at all)

Christmas morning we woke up and got our stocking gifts as well as “Santa” gifts (R’s family has really confusing gift traditions… mine were simple; open presents Christmas Eve, open stockings Christmas morning. They’ve got different gifts to give at different times like family exchange is the night before and then there are more gifts in the morning… etc. I was confused the whole time! Next year they are going to have to write me out a guide on their Christmas protocol). In the afternoon we went over to R’s maternal grandmother’s house (they all live in the same town, which is pretty cool I suppose). I had a hard time at first because there were about 40 people crammed into the little farmhouse including a whole passel of children (kids tend to make me nervous… you just never know what they are going to do next). I also have a problem with understanding what people are saying if there is more than one person talking at a time. If there is background noise (like a fan, TV, etc) chances are if you’re talking to me I’m not going to understand a word you say. I might as well have been standing in the middle of Tokyo, I probably would have been able to understand them better than I can 2 people talking at the same time. It’s really frustrating and is a root cause of a lot of my social anxiety. I spent about an hour in a back room or wandering the field because I just had a look of absolute misery and terror on my face that I couldn’t hide and I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable and since most of them I had never met before, I wasn’t missed much.
I was also having a hard time that morning because of my family. My grandma and my mom both kept pestering me about whether or not R had proposed or if we were engaged or if he was getting a ring from his grandma blah blah blah. It made me really upset. First off, it’s not like it’s my decision on when and where it’s going to happen, that’s all on R so why does everyone keep pestering ME about it? I’ve also been feeling down and a bit jealous over the fact that everyone and their dog is engaged, planning weddings, or already married and I’m “just the girlfriend.” I got to sit there and listen to R’s cousin’s plans about their wedding coming up in a few months and all their crap. I can’t help but wish it was my turn, but in the end it doesn’t really matter. It’s just a ring. It’s just a piece of paper. Fundamentally it won’t change anything about my relationship I have now, but the title will just change. I guess recently with all the death and depression we’ve been going through the past 2 weeks I’ve felt more distant from R than I have in a long time. We don’t have anything to talk about right now really. Most of the time we are just in our own little worlds trying to cope with the pain. Physical touch is one of my strongest love languages, but I can’t tell you the last time I held hands with him, or even sat close enough to him to touch in some way. In my head I figured I wouldn’t feel that way if he would hurry up and put a damn ring on my finger, but that doesn’t make any sense. A fake diamond wouldn’t make me feel more connected to my partner, that’s just silly. I’m more or less over my negative feelings in that area. Sure, I still wish he would just hurry up and get it over with because at this point it’s just a hassle to have to tell everyone to leave  me alone about it. I think from now on when someone starts going off on me about where my relationship should be at this point I’ll just tell them to pester R about it because it’s all up to him at this point. I don’t know why everyone thinks I can do something to change that (we aren’t that kind of couple, I’m not that kind of girlfriend…)

Anyways… After dinner with everyone they played Dirty Santa. I don’t particularly care for those types of games but this one was actually fun. I got a power drill set that I schemed to get and R got a crocheted afghan (after trying to talk me out of the drill set, which I basically had my heart set on at that point). We both got what we wanted in the end, he got his blanket and I got my drill set which I’m excited to bust out soon. I’m going to make a pallet table/bookshelf for the hedgehog’s terrarium and build a few other shelves. I’ll also be able to fix the drawers in our bathroom/kitchen (all the tracks for every drawer are broken and have been since we moved in) and hang up the huge antique mirror that has been sitting behind the couch for so long. I’m happiest when I have something to occupy my hands (if my hands are occupied, my brain is occupied). I was also gifted a toooooon of yarn by my mom and I’ve spent HOURS on ravelry trying to figure out what I want to knit next. I really want to get to the point where I can knit lace, or at least do more than just scarfs and washcloths. I have no doubt that if I can be patient enough that I can reach that level of proficiency. I don’t like the learning process a lot, I want to do the hard stuff NOW. 

After Dirty Santa we packed up the car and came home. I ended up driving the whole way again because I wasn’t having trouble staying awake or anything and switching off seemed like it would just be more of a hassle. Yesterday I slept mostly, all the hustle and bustle finally caught up with me. And now life can finally go back to something resembling normalcy. I’m glad that Christmas really is just once a year. I’m going to need every second of the next 363 days to recover from this past one!

Hope everyone else had a pleasant holiday

This is how I want to spend every Christmas.

No travel plans, no shopping malls
No candy canes, no Santa Claus
For as the day of rest draws near
It’s just the two of us this year

I’ll come to you, I’ll sing to you
Like it’s Christmas in the room
I’ll dance with you, I’ll laugh with you
Like it’s Christmas in the room
Like it’s Christmas in the room

I can’t believe I’m burying another pet this week. Friendly’s death is still fresh in our minds and hearts, and now Sherlock, our short tail opossum has gone to join Friendly.
He was just a year old a couple of weeks ago. We rescued him from a bad situation last January and gave him a new, loving, and caring home. He loved to ride in R’s coat pocket, and run in his wheel. He would eat out of our hands and hang upside down by his tail on our fingers.
Words cannot express our sadness. It seems this is our week, month, season, year of loss for our little family.

Goodbye, Sherlock. You’ve left a possum sized hole in our hearts.

                              Wedge Antilles                                          

Firstly, I want to thank everyone for their condolences and words of encouragement, they have made a world of difference in this hard time.

Yesterday, I stayed home from work, I just couldn’t bear the thought of being alone in an office all day. Reid had the day off work and he did everything he could to try to make it as stress-free as possible for me. I don’t think I got more than a handful of hours of sleep that night. Reid kept punching and kicking me all night (in his sleep, just for clarification), which he only does when he was nightmares, so I spent half the night trying not to have my nose broken by his flailing arms. I woke up early in the morning and forgot about everything and went downstairs to let Friendly out, feed him, give him his medicines, and tend to the other critters, . When I was greeted by a dark and empty room, I remembered, and ran back upstairs bawling my eyes out, again.
We spent the afternoon at Reid’s parents’ house. I mostly just watched their cable since we don’t have cable at our house. It was nice to be out of the house, but both of us cried when we had to come back home for the evening. When we opened the door there wasn’t an old but happy face to greet us anymore. Just darkness and silence. I started to set up the Christmas tree, but stopped when I realized I had set it where Friendly’s bed used to be, only a day ago (that and we only had one strand of lights, which was enough just to get the bottom 2 rows lit. It’s a sad little tree). It’s only been 2 days, the pain is still fresh and sharp. I close my eyes and I see him; I see him closing his eyes for the last time as we all had our hands on him, petting him, comforting him. I still want so badly for those big brown eyes to open back up and look at me again.

Today, Reid woke up with me so I wouldn’t be alone while I began my new morning routine. I’m so thankful he did. I wouldn’t have been able to make it through without him. Everyone at work just assumes I have been sick the past couple of days. I don’t have it in me to talk about what really happened, but I know I will have to soon because they are always asking about the critters (Friendly has come with me a couple of times to the office and everyone loved him). This weekend we plan on getting out and doing as much as we can. I think we have enough to keep us pretty busy and preoccupied. I know things will get better but it will just take time. The grief still hits me in waves. I forget, then I remember. I’m going up to see my mom tonight when I get off work just so I won’t have to sit in the house alone while Reid works his dinner shift. She’s already made my favourite soup and cake. I think we’ll just knit and watch Cabin in the Woods.

Wedge Antilles (our rabbit who had an incredibly special bond with Friendly) has been distraught. That’s been the worst part of all, watching him run around the house trying to find his dog. It makes me even sadder to see my “draft” version of a picture post I was working on Saturday/Sunday that was all about Wedge and Friendly’s relationship. I can’t bring myself to publish it yet, if ever. I wish Wedge liked being held because I just want to pick him up and hold him. I’m almost tempted to let Tribble (our female rabbit) out with him just so he has a companion. They’ve been separated since we got Tribble only because we don’t want baby bunnies and we haven’t gotten Wedge fixed yet because vets here want to charge and arm and a leg for fixing him (I was getting quotes between $400-600 for neutering. A buddy of mine from BMT lives in WVA and their vet fixed their rabbit for $97. I’ll be making a trip up to see my buddy and get my rabbit fixed and still save hundreds even after paying for gas and food. Sounds like a win to me).

I know that everyone says to just think about the good time and fond memories, but I’m having a hard time being able to think about him at all without crying. It just makes me so sad right now, although I know in time I will be able to think back on all those happy memories. Honestly, the only happy memories I have from my childhood were all with Friendly.
He was a huge part of my life. It only makes sense that it will take a long time to get over the initial heartbreak.

My dog, Friendly, had to be put down today. He was the most amazing dog. I know it was for the best, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
I stayed until the end, but I hope one day I won’t regret that I did. Every time I close my eyes I seem him there and I just want him to wake up and be all better. I’m sure the nauseating realism will hit me in waves. I physically hurt. Today is easily the worst day of my entire life to date. And I’ve had more than my share of absolutely horrific days. I just couldn’t bear to abandon him when he needed me most. R, my mom, stepdad, and a friend of ours all stayed until the end. We petted him and told him we loved him.
I know he isn’t hurting now, but I am.

I’m not okay right now. Not even close. I hurt so much I can hardly breathe. I am in real, physical pain. No there isn’t any evidence to prove that but I hurt all the same. I feel like my chest is being ripped open and everything pulled out and set on fire.

I’m not okay. And I can’t imagine myself ever being okay again. I’m 23 years old and I’m already tired. I’ve never really had to deal with death. I know I’m lucky on that account. My great-grandparents died when I was still at that young age when really old people scare you. I didn’t know them that well so it never really hit me that they were gone. I think I might have cried once about them being gone. I remember crying and asking God to give them a hug from me, if he existed and had time to do such things.

I’m not okay. And I feel terrible for being this worked up over an animal, but I don’t see how I wouldn’t be this way. Friendly has been my best friend for over 14 years. Over half my life. He slept in my bed and woke me up from my night terrors. He carried messages in his collar between me and my little sister, or to my mom when I was so sick I couldn’t talk and I was hungry. He listened to everything I had to say, and did nothing but love me. I’ve never felt so loved as I have by him, and he’s leaving me now, and I can’t follow him yet. I am crying so hard as I type this I can’t even see so forgive any spelling errors that might be mixed in, but then again I really couldn’t care less about that right now.
What’s Wedge going to do without his best friend? He must already know what’s happening. He probably knew before I did because instead of being playful, he’s serious (I know it’s hard to imagine a serious rabbit but Wedge is definitely a serious rabbit right now). He watches over the dog constantly. Licks his ears to wake him up. Eats his food with him. Sleeps with him.

How am I supposed to look forward to the holidays now, or ever again knowing that he’s going to be gone and left me this time of year. I have other critters I know, but they won’t fill the doggy void. Who’s going to be my copilot on my errands now? Who’s going to meet me at the bottom of the stairs every morning wagging his tail just full of love for me?

I hurt. I hurt I hurt I hurt and there isn’t a medicine in the world that would make it better.