November 12, 2012

• I feel so stupid. Yesterday, I made a pulse about having a bad feeling about the day overall, and of course I was right.

  My biological father's family came up and completely hijacked my Sunday. I wish sometimes that I was brave enough to just say, "Look, you've never been there for me, you've broken more promises than you've ever followed through on, and just because we are blood related doesn't mean I owe you anything. You produced a dead-beat, good for nothing, backstabbing, cheating, lying bastard who ruined all of our lives. And I should thank you for that?"

  But I'll never be that brave.

  To make everything worse, I came home to find out that we had to go to R's house for dinner with his parents and some of their guests. Their guests are friend's of R's family since forever (before he was born I think so 25+ years) and their daughter who is his age. I've heard about these people for forever and last night was the first time I've actually met them. The girl was nice (I'll call her "P"). She had a gigantic engagement ring. I felt a pang of sadness having to sit there and listen to all the wedding plans, how they are going to New Orleans, how they plan to take a tour of the US for their honeymoon, and a trip to Japan later. I got to hear about all the vacations R and them have taken. They pulled out a photo book. I teased R that there were more pictures of him and P together than there are of me and him together. I was seriously just teasing, even though it was true. I don't like having my pictures taken anyways.

  It was just so hard. It was so hard going from suffering through lunch at a dive and remembering what a shitty childhood I had at the hands of these people to going to R's house and hearing about all their affluent adventures. Their fun. Their childhoods. I'm never going to get to go to Japan. I'll probably never get to tour the US by car. I've lived in cars before. I remember just driving around all day with my mom until we found a friend to let us stay with them for the night. I'll probably never get a job that will allow for luxuries. My wedding will be cheap and small. If I even have one at all.

  I cried myself to sleep last night, alone, and woke up crying at multiple points during the night because of the horrible flashbacks and nightmares. R didn't even bother to try to comfort me. "You always cry about your family and growing up. I'm going downstairs to play something until you pass out." Of course I always cry about that. I have a lot to cry about. What does he know? His life wasn't stolen from him. His life wasn't ruined. He wasn't tossed out into the streets. What does he know.

  It just hurt so much to know how much of my life was taken away from me. I could have gone to a nice school, graduated, and gone on to "real" college. I could have had adventures and vacations. R and his family took me on my first ever family vacation. I never had that. We went on a visit to my aunt's house once in Bermuda (2010), with my mom and biological father, and sister. This was after biological father had already been kicked out for cheating but came back groveling with promises to make it better and took us on a trip.

  They divorced 2 months later.

  I know I'm probably just jealous. That's what R attributes it to. And in a way I am. But more than that, I'm mourning what was taken.

  I'm mourning for that scared little girl that lived with a real monster in the closet.

  • 11:06 am
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