November 5, 2012

• Self-Therapy

  It's no secret that I have anxiety issues, and even less of a secret that sometimes I just don't handle them well at all. I avoided traditional therapy for years because of how I was raised. In the cult, outside medicine or counseling of any sort of highly discouraged. Clinical depression and other mental illnesses were constantly being written off as a result of some "sin" in your life. Going to a therapist, especially a secular therapist, was a cop-out and would only compound the punishment you'd receive if you did not repent of your sin. I can't tell you how many times I lied awake at night, in the middle of having a panic attack, begging god for forgiveness for whatever I had done to bring that kind of misery on myself. I can't count how many times I was told that all I needed to do was change my attitude and everything would be better.
  I was depressed because of sin. I was depressed because of a prideful heart. I was depressed because of a bad attitude.

  In short, I was depressed as a result of something I did and in the end it was something that I could fully control, if I would just pray harder and beg more for forgiveness.
  Never once was I ever told that sometimes depression is just depression and it's not because of something I did but because of a chemical imbalance that no amount of begging for forgiveness would control.
  This past summer I finally accepted that it was more than okay for me to go and receive counseling for my anxiety and depression. I found a great therapist, but unfortunately my insurance doesn't make going to counseling cheap. Eventually, my savings ran out and now I can no longer afford to go to therapy. This bums me out to a degree because I actually want help, I just can't afford it.

  Because I can't afford therapy, and my problems haven't magically gone away yet, I'm trying to make a concentrated effort and come up with ways for some "self-therapy" while I wait for more funds. I have a CD of guided meditation that I've been meaning to check out, I just can't find the right time and place to decrease the distractions and focus on the CD. I'm also going to go and pick up a new journal today that I will attempt to write in every day in order to figure out what my major triggers are for panic attacks and ways to manage them. I've also been making more of an effort to put to words how I feel and to let R know when I'm in a bad headspace. He's definitely appreciated my effort to communicate more (which is difficult when one of the effects of having a panic attack for me is having an extremely hard time getting words to come out. Mostly I just stutter and stammer and get rrreeeaaallly frustrated until he picks up on the fact that I cannot make words). All that being said, both R and I have noticed positive results so far.

  Besides trying meditation and the daily journal does anyone have any more suggestions or resources to look into for "self-therapy"? The one thing I DON'T want to screw myself up further (if that's even possible? haha).

  • 11:09 am
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