October 15, 2012

  • Changes

    It's that time of year again. The trees are shedding their identity and sometimes I feel like doing the same.
    I'm tired of the same old places, the same old faces. Not that I don't love them or care about them, but there's a part of me that longs for something new. It's the nomad in me. I don't have roots, I'm a roamer, but now I'm grounded. There's something binding me to this place, to this city, this street, this site.
    It's not a comfortable feeling for me. It's disconcerting. I want to go to the store without someone coming up to me and talking to me. Most of the people who do this are people I have gone out of my way to avoid. Because they were my biological father's friends. Because they judged me. Because they refused to even freaking PRAY for my mother before her brain surgery to remove a tumor. Because they told me I was selfish for coming to church and leaving my father to actually care for my mother for a few hours. Like he vowed to, those very vows he broke, trampled, and pissed on.

    I hate these roads. I hate the memories they bring. I hate remembering the journeys, I hate seeing the markers memorializing the pain.

    I need to get out of here. I need a change. I want to shed what I was and embrace what I am now. There are things that happened this week that I can't "celebrate" the way I want to. It wouldn't be accepted. That's okay, I'll celebrate it on my own. It's my life. There are things that are going to make me happy that other people just won't understand (like giving up the control, the ability to choose). It's my life. Changes are coming. Changes have already been made.

    I'm done with this city, this street, this site. I want to pull up stakes and wander on. These roots that have grown aren't the nurturing kind. I'm not thriving. I'm chained to my past. I'm held in place, my eyes forced open I can't stop the parade of memories that torment me. I still hear her screaming when I wake up.

    I want to break free. I will break free. I want to live. I want to be alive. I want to feel something other than regret and pain. I want to run away with him and never look back. He's the only reason I stay. He's the only reason I'm still alive at all, him and that stupid promise I made right before my ex dumped me. Now I know why he made me promise, he was going to kick the chair out from beneath me but didn't want the rope to catch the fall.

    And before anyone starts worrying, I'm really fine (this week has actually been pretty great, which is why I haven't been around a lot). I just want change. I need a change. Gonna start working on that I guess.

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