June 30, 2012

  • I went up to get Friendly yesterday, but he was in such bad shape that I didn't want to freak him out by taking him away from his normal routine. They didn't tell me how bad off he was. I didn't know that he's taking enough pain killers to choke a horse just to be able to move. He tried so hard to get up on the couch with me. But when he did he would just lay there, not sleeping, but just staring around. He was struggling so hard for me. I went to go get him a treat and he's always had this routine when we would get him a treat and make him do tricks. I wasn't even wanting him to do anything, I just wanted to give him a treat. But he sat up and tried to wave hello, and barked, but he couldn't do the last part of his routine (lay down and half way roll over to play dead, god that's so awful to type now.) He didn't have any stories to tell me this time. He always has a story. Mom said that he can't move unless he's doped to the gills. It's hard for him to lie down she said, so he just stands for hours on end. She started asking me the hard stuff and I just lost it. I can't make the final decision. I can't kill my best friend. I can't be there when it happens. I can't watch him close his eyes knowing they won't ever look back at me every again. His little eyebrows will stop twitching, and his brain will cease to think of whatever he thought of. He was so bright. For a lab mix he was brilliant. He knew everyone's names in the family. Mom would say "Go to Megan" and he would come right to me. When I was sad he would lay his head in my lap and press down as hard as he could. Like he wanted me to know he was there, and wasn't going to leave me alone.

    I can't do this. I came home and cried the entire hour I was driving. I came home and R hugged me close and we both cried for a long time. We're both going to lose our dogs this year. His dog is 17, a medium spitz mixed. We had a scare with her a couple weeks ago but now she's fine. I'm losing my 13 year old brittany/lab mix. And I can see what is going to kill him.

    The worst part was seeing a tumor. One that my parent's hadn't noticed, because that's how quickly I'm losing him.

    I don't even know if I can take him out tomorrow like I had planned. Since we didn't think it was in his best interest for him to spend the weekend with me, we decided that I would pick him up Sunday and take him for a long ride (car rides are his absolute favourite.) There was a bad storm last night and half the state is out of power (I'm not because I live on a grid with a fire station). I don't even know if I can get up there to him because of the damage or stations being out of power.

    But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
    That love is watching someone die.

Comments (6)

Comments are closed.

Post a Comment