March 25, 2012
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Rantings
You know what sucks? You're boyfriend telling you how great it's been to get back together with some of his college buddies and go to concerts, and drink, and play Guitar Hero, and sleep all day, and that it's, "just like college."
College has been hell. And it still is hell. I work almost full time and go to school full time. I'm exhausted and drained and I can't ever say I will ever look back and think that all this shit was worth it. 5 years to get an associates degree. How much of a freaking failure is that? 5 fucking years. I could be working on my masters right now, but no, I'll be lucky if I can keep it together for the next 6 weeks to get my "Associates in General Studies." What a waste of time. If I had been able to graduate last semester I would've had an Associates in Liberal Arts & Science but then they changed their entire program and so now I'm stuck with not just a useless degree, but a degree that sounds even more useless than the one I was trying to go for. I could still go for the Arts and Science but it would only take me 2 more years given how they changed allllll the requirements.
I'm so done with this bullshit. I'm done being scammed and screwed over. Yes, I'm bitter, yes, I'm angry. This has been the biggest sore spot for me since I graduated high school. Biodad didn't "allow" me to apply for Universities, or financial aid, but instead told me I was only allowed to go to the local community college, but that they weren't paying for it. So I've been working and putting myself through college. And I hate it. I realize there are a lot of people in my situation who work and go to school but for me, I just can't handle it. I can't focus on making decent grades, doing well at my job (which is freaking retail so I'm constantly worrying about my performance), as well as maintaining a house, paying bills, and feeding myself on the rare occasions that I realize I'm hungry and have the time/money to eat.5 years. I'm 23 years old and all I will have to show for my 5 years of hard work is a crappy piece of paper that is completely useless unless I transfer and get a Bachelors. Which, at this point, is not looking like I will ever be able to afford.
I'm jealous that R was able to go to a real school and get real scholarships and go to not only a real college but one of the top universities in the country, on a full ride. I'm jealous that I won't be able to look back at my experience and feel anything other than sadness and anger. I'm jealous that my cousin got to drop out after only 6 weeks and still get to live with my grandparents and not have to work and still gets everything paid for.
Sometimes, I'm tired of being the one "good kid" in the family. I work hard, and I get screwed over even harder.
Comments (3)
It's probably not what you want to hear right now, but there's people who got it far worse. I'm going through my own life crisis right now (not saying I've got it worse than you). Just got fired, in tons of debt, I've got my dad and brother to look out for, I'm turning 26 next week and still don't know what to do with my life, my grandmas dying, and I'm pretty emotionally unstable right now. The only thing getting me through all this is the fact that shit could be worse. It could be so much more worse. And there's still the chance that it could all get better. Maybe not everything and maybe not a whole lot, but I'll take what I can get.
Things can get better for you and I hope they do. I know I can't do much to help but know you aren't alone in this.
@Lithium98 - I'm sorry. I feel so selfish now. I wish there was something I could do to help you in your situation. I guess ultimately, my biggest problem is that I felt alone. I know there are others in the same or worse situation (like you) and then suddenly I wish I was alone so that no one else had to suffer. I'm so sorry. But you're right, neither of us are alone.
@forever_musing - It's okay to be a little selfish. Shit sucks, so you're entitled to it. I've been following you for a couple years now and I've always seen you come back from some pretty messed up situations. You'll figure it out 'cause you kick ass like that.
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