March 21, 2012

• You know, that last post (anger and ignorance fueled as it was) has brought me to a little bit of a better place. It made me think and realize that as neutral as I like to be on most things, that there are going to be some subjects in which my prejudice will blind me. And personally, I think that is okay. I cannot, for now, understand or feel any empathy for sex addiction/addicts. I don't think that is really going to hinder my life in any way at this point, and I won't go out of my way to hate on that subject any further.

  As for the letter, I'm still on the fence. See, as much as I loathe him, I don't see how expressing how much I hate him will help with anything. He lives in his own reality, and cannot accept the real world. I really do believe that he is incapable of accepting reality. It will just be a waste of paper basically, and I don't think it will make me feel any better, mainly because it won't engender any genuine change. If spewing of angry, hurtful, hateful, yet truthful words haven't worked in the past, why would it now?
  To be honest, if it did shatter his made-up world and forced him to look straight into the eyes of reality, I know he would probably kill himself out of the shame of all he has done. And I don't care how much I hate him, I don't want to be the trigger for his suicide. His side of the family is fraught with suicides. Most of of the deaths of his high school classmates have been the result of suicide.
  If he wants to kill himself, that's fine, but I don't want anything I've said or done to be the trigger. That is the main reason why I haven't said anything to him since our last encounter. In fact, it's the only reason. There have been many nights where I've woken up screaming and in a cold sweat from the nightmares he made me live in once. I've talked myself out of multiple times where all I wanted was to scream at him and tell him how horrible he is.
  But it's not my job. And as much as I hate to admit it, there is the tiniest, teeniest, most remotest possibility of change. I can't deny that possibility, no matter how minute.
  Plus, if there is something beyond this life, and if there is a heaven and hell, then one day, he will be punished, and make to look into the face of the hideous creature he created. I still maintain that hell is too good for him, but there's time left for him to suffer here too.
  But again, I want no part of it. He needs to suffer as a result of his own actions, and not under the weight of my anger and hate.

  Or maybe it's just me living in fear? I don't know, maybe one day I will figure it out.

  • 2:09 pm
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